


Keeping It Together

by TuskedLioness



Series: Keeping It Together [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Parents, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide, Unhealthy Relationships, this is the worst thing i ever wrote
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-09 13:48:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13482768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuskedLioness/pseuds/TuskedLioness
Summary: Jasper and Lapis never had a happy marriage, but they made it work for the sake of their teen daughter, Malachite. When Malachite suddenly dies, so does the bond that kept the two together, but they can't cope alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This fic contains _extremely sensitive content_ regarding suicide. Please read with caution, or if you are not comfortable, please click the back button.
> 
> This fic was made for personal purposes that I decided to share, and is _absolutely not_ a fic that encourages suicide. If you are struggling with suicide, please be careful while reading this, or simply do not read at all. Thank you.
> 
> -
> 
> This is pretty over-the-top angst. Originally I ignored this plot bunny for months because I felt the angst was too much of a ridiculous overload. But the plot bunny just wouldn't leave my head and the only option was to write it out of me, so I wrote it anyway.

At first, Jasper refused to believe it. There was no way in hell that something like this could have happened.

After all that Jasper worked hard for…to protect her daughter, to keep her safe and happy with clothes on her back and food on the table, teaching her to stand her ground against anyone who dared to bully or take advantage of her…after all of that, Malachite couldn’t have…hell no, Jasper couldn’t even say it!

There was no way in hell that right now, Mala’s coffin was lowering in the ground.

There was no way that people surrounded her, all dressed in black, some crying and others giving Jasper and Lapis sympathetic stares.

There was no way Jasper’s wife, Lapis, who was always composed and with a bored look on her face no matter the circumstance, could be wailing while tears burst down her face like a broken dam. Jasper’s arm was around her, but was it really? No. This couldn’t be real.

None of this could be real.

Through the cold mist, someone approached Jasper and placed a hand on her shoulder. She barely remembered who it was; nor did she want to. “We’re so sorry. Malachite was a wonderful kid and she will be greatly missed.”

Beneath Jasper’s arm, Lapis started to cry harder. She trembled as if she couldn’t hold herself together any longer. “Fuck…I…I can’t do this!” Jasper could hear her sputtering through her sobs. She tore herself away from Jasper’s touch and rushed away in tears.

“Lapis, wait!” Jasper said, trying to reach her back but to no avail.

“Leave her be,” the person said. “She’ll come back. She just needs some alone time.”

Ignoring the person, Jasper broke away and headed into Lapis’s direction. People looked on in confusion as Jasper walked past them and past the scene taking place. She disappeared from the graveyard and headed to the ocean nearby.

“Lapis, c’mon,” Jasper said. “We gotta be there for our daughter.”

Lapis said nothing. She disappeared further down the path.

“Lapis,” Jasper gritted weakly. She was not in the mood for this. She just wanted to get this over with and go home.

Huffing softly, she stepped forward, crunching through the fallen leaves. She walked and walked, past the trees, the ocean growing closer and closer, until a short cliff blocked her path. Past the cliff laid a beach, covered with mist and seafoam as hundreds of waves crashed nonstop from as far as the horizon.

Jasper scanned the area below. Lapis had to be down there somewhere. If there was one thing Jasper knew about Lapis, it was that Lapis found comfort in the sea. Then she spotted it: a head of hair and a human shape. It was standing at the edges of the shore. “Lapis!” Jasper called. God only knows how sick Lapis was going to get in water that cold.

The shape shifted in response to Jasper’s call. Jasper put her hands around her mouth and called again. “Lapis!”

The shape stepped out of the water. It inched slowly in Jasper’s direction and was facing right at Jasper. “Mom?” it said.

Jasper froze. That wasn’t Lapis’s voice. That was… “M…Mala?” she whispered.

“Mom!” It broke into a run across the sand.

“Mala! F-fuck!” Jasper said, hurrying and sliding down the cliff to get to her daughter. As she grew closer, she could see her so clearly. Her beautiful vitiligo peppering her skin. Her dyed, ivory hair. Her large build and her height that was slightly taller than Lapis’s. Her appearance took so much from Jasper; proof that she was Jasper’s daughter. Mala was here…Mala was really here!

“Mala!” Jasper cried again. She threw her arms around her daughter.

“I’m here, Mom,” Mala said.

Jasper chuckled. Tears pricked her eyes as she started to guffaw. “I thought…haha…I thought you were gone for good!” she said. She calmed down and wiped her eyes.

“I’m here now, Mom,” Mala said with a smile. “I’m back.”

“Thank God,” Jasper said. “Don’t ever leave again, you hear me?”

They held tightly onto one another. At last, Mala was finally back.

\--

_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

Jasper’s eyes snapped opened. She laid face-up in bed, covers all twisted and barely on her. On the other side of the bed, Lapis was curled up, back facing towards her.

“Nnng…” Lapis mumbled. “Jasper…turn it off…”

Without even thinking, Jasper reached over and smashed her hand on the fucking alarm clock. It obeyed and shut up.

Jasper pushed herself up and rubbed her face. _Fuck. It was that dream again..._

The last of the shockwaves still reverberated inside her. No matter how many times Jasper had that same dream, it still served as a cruel wakeup call for the truth. Her memories flashed back through her tired mind: of the last time Jasper saw Mala, hanging limp in the bedroom Jasper refused to walk back in, and the funeral, and the couple weeks afterward of numbness and anger that gnawed at her every waking moment. Only sleep swept those feelings away, but the dreams were always a wakeup call.

No matter what, Jasper couldn’t escape it.

“C’mon, Lapis,” Jasper said, shaking her slightly. “We gotta get up.”

A small, indistinguishable mumble emitted from Lapis’s lips. Jasper huffed.

“You know you gotta get up at some point, right?” Jasper asked.

“Shut…up…” Lapis said. She tugged the comforter over her head as if that would block Jasper out.

Jasper furrowed her brow. “Fine then,” she grumbled as she stood up. She stomped out the room and avoided looking at the door of what used to be Mala’s bedroom. She went downstairs and into the kitchen.

The morning went as usual. Jasper blended two servings of smoothie and toasted two toasts. After the toasts popped out, Jasper scooped each one onto a small plate. She carried the plate and drink to the bedroom and set them on Lapis’s nightstand.

“Eat this time, okay?” Jasper told her.

Lapis said nothing. Guess the silent treatment was still going. Of course Lapis was a brat in an adult’s body. Jasper shook her head in and left her be.

Jasper wolfed down her portion, changed, and started the car. She pulled out of the driveway and headed to work. Christmas lights and holiday decorations covered the neighbors' lawns.

Lapis and Jasper worked at the same place. Well…Lapis used to anyway, but now it was just Jasper for the time being. Jasper pulled into the Beach City Recreational Center. Jasper was a trainer at the gym situated in the building, and Lapis was a lifeguard in the pool area. Lapis was taking a break, so for now, it was only Jasper who showed up to work.

Jasper stepped out of the car and headed to the gym. Her first client, Greg, was already waiting for her for the 6:00 AM session. He was sitting on one of the unused bench sets when Jasper walked in.

Jasper shook Greg’s hand. “Morning, Greg,” she said.

“Morning, Jasper,” Greg said. He stretched. “So what kinda workouts are you gonna obligate the old man to do today?”

Jasper chuckled. “Obligate, huh? You’ll do great today.”

“You sure know how to push me to my limits.”

“That’s my job,” Jasper said. “Soon enough, you’ll be a lean machine.”

“I hope that happens soon,” Greg said.

“You’re making good progress than when you first showed up.”

Jasper’s relationship with Greg was complicated. They knew each other for a few years, but before Greg became a client, they knew each other from the homeschool meetups their kids went to, when Mala was homeschooled. Mala and Steven were the same age, and they used to be friends.

In a way, Greg's presence left a bitter taste in her mouth. At first, it was because he was the father of Rose’s child. Now it was because he was the father of what used to be Mala’s best friend. But business was business, and Jasper had to do her job. Greg wasn’t necessarily a bad guy; just connected to people Jasper wasn’t too fond about.

“Thanks, Jasper. So how’s your wife?”

Jasper paused right after she picked up the papers regarding Greg’s training. She mulled over for a moment but not for too long. “She’s doing better,” Jasper decided to say, though it wasn’t necessarily true.

“That’s good to hear. Stu-ball sure does miss her. He told me the other day to ask how she’s been.”

Stu-ball was a name Greg normally threw around when referring to his son, Steven. Not only did Steven use to be Mala’s best friend, he also loved to have long conversations with Lapis when at the pool. During one summer vacation, he even had the audacity to call Lapis his “Beach Summer Fun Buddy” because he’d go to the pool and see Lapis so often, much to Mala’s embarrassment.

Jasper forced on a smile. As a personal trainer, feigned positivity was a forte of hers. “Tell him she’s doing much better. In fact, she might even start going back to work soon.” She didn’t know how true the last statement was, but she better fucking hope.

Greg smiled back. “That’s great, Jasper,” he said. Jasper noticed a tinge of sympathy in his expression, and she looked away. “How are you?”

 _Great. He’s concerned about me too._ “I’m good,” Jasper said. She forced on another smile. She knew what this shit was about, but she refused to say it.

“Oh! I just remembered. Steven made these for you.” He sifted through his bag and pulled out a Ziploc full of cookies. “He made sugar cookies for you guys. He was going to put frosting on them, but he remembered you guys don’t like things that are too sweet.” He handed them over to Jasper.

Jasper barked a laugh, hopefully to mask the irritation she was feeling. The giving Jasper and Lapis food thing only took her back to the funeral a couple weeks ago. At the very least, this was just an expected gesture from Steven, so Jasper decided to take it easy. “Giving cookies to a trainer, huh?”

Greg laughed too. “Steven did tell me he saw you eating ice cream one time.”

“Yup. Even trainers gotta cheat sometimes. Especially for the holidays if you know what I mean. Thanks.” She set the cookies down next to her belongings. Jasper adjusted the clipboard. “So you have two choices, Greg: we discuss your workout and nutrition plan right now, or after your workout session.”

“I’ll choose after. Gotta cool down anyway,” Greg said.

“Alright, good call. Why don’t we start with squats first?”

The session with Greg went on. Eventually, an hour and a half passed by, and his session came to an end. Greg said his thank you’s and waved goodbye, and Jasper’s day went on. Several more clients came in, and the same shit went on with them.

Finally, Jasper’s sessions were over. She spent the last few hours of her day updating the files of her clients, and then went back home. The sun was setting over Beach City on her drive back, the sea glistening orange. Some of the Christmas lights were already on.

She pulled into the driveway and went inside. Jasper set her drawstring bag and hydroflask down. She wondered where Lapis was.

 _She better not have been in that bed this whole time,_ Jasper thought. She walked upstairs and headed to their bedroom. As expected, Lapis was still in bed. She was curled up under the shambolic covers.

“Lapis,” Jasper said. “Did you even do anything today?”

Lapis looked up and glowered at Jasper. She was still in her pajamas, and her hair was an absolute mess. The blue dye in her hair was faded, and long, black roots were visible from her scalp. She used to dye her hair weekly, but now it’s been almost a month. The toast on the nightstand had only one bite out of it and her finished smoothie cup was still sitting there, unclean.

“What’s the point?” she hissed.

“To take care of yourself? What do you think?”

“I don't care,” she grumbled. She tugged the covers over herself. “Just leave me alone.”

Jasper rolled her eyes at Lapis’s childishness.

“I saw that.”

“What do you expect me to do, Lapis? Be happy that you’re wasting away-?”

“Our _daughter_ is wasting away!”

“Don’t say that!” Jasper spat.

Lapis sat up. “What am I supposed to say?! _Oh, Jasper, everything is just fine-!_ ”

“You keep your fucking mouth shut about it!”

Lapis huffed. “You’re an idiot.” She laid back down. “One day, like me, you’ll realize that nothing matters anymore.”

“Can you stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on? It’s been almost a month since it happened.”

“No…she was the only thing I had…and it’s gone. Taken in the worst way possible…she took her own self…doesn’t that mean anything to you, Jasper?” She turned over till her back was facing her. “Leave me alone.”

Jasper bit her lip. She didn’t know what to say. It took a few moments to recover. “Lapis…what happened…happened.”

“And it could have been prevented!” Lapis said, voice heavy. Jasper couldn’t see Lapis’s face but she could tell the waterworks were about to start again. Lapis had been crying a lot since Mala died- not as horribly as the first time after realizing Mala was dead, but still a lot more than the fifteen years of Jasper knowing Lapis. Jasper inched forward slowly but Lapis continued on. “She didn’t have to die, Jasper, but she did. I could’ve…I could’ve prevented it! Now I know why she felt the way she did…”

Jasper felt pale. “What are you talking about?”

“I want to die too!” She burst into tears. “I WANT TO DIE, JASPER! I just want this pain to stop-” Her sobs became heavier and her words got drowned out by her gasps.

Jasper rushed forward and placed her hands on Lapis’s shaking form. “No one is going to die,” Jasper said.

Lapis buried her face in the covers. “But I want to,” she cried.

Jasper sat on the bed next to her and put her arms around her. She pulled Lapis up slowly, held her close and nuzzled her into her shoulder. “No you don’t,” Jasper murmured.

Jasper rubbed small circles into Lapis’s back as Lapis wept. It took a long time; just them sitting together with the only sounds being the sobs emitting from her wife. Jasper remained holding her when the sobs faded out and until Lapis calmed down. Lapis was the one to pull away, and she quickly wiped the tears with her arm.

“You okay?” Jasper whispered. Lapis nodded.

Jasper placed her hands around Lapis’s own and rubbed them slowly. “We’re going to get through this.”

“It’s hard,” Lapis whispered. “I miss her so much.”

“I know…” Jasper whispered back. “But we will. We have to.” She squeezed her hands.

Lapis squeezed back slightly out of neediness. She didn’t say anything.

“C’mon,” Jasper said, standing up. “Let’s make dinner. Maybe we can decorate the tree after.”

“Tree?” Lapis asked.

“Yeah. I mean, it will be Christmas in a few weeks.”

“Yeah…” Lapis sighed, rubbing her puffy eyes. “I don’t…really feel like it…” She raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you like the holidays?”

“I always did,” Jasper lied. “I just…never said anything.”

Lapis gave her a look that said _“I know you are lying”._

“What? I do.”

Lapis looked away. “Whatever,” she mumbled. “I know you’re just doing this to keep busy.” She sniffled.

“Can you at least help me with dinner?”

“Fine….”

Jasper smiled. “That’s the spirit.”

Jasper guided Lapis down the stairs.

“What do you want for dinner tonight?” Jasper asked. “My treat.”

Lapis held herself. “I don’t care,” she said.

“Aw c’mon, I know you want something.”

“Maybe sushi…if you really want to be challenged.”

Jasper looked in the fridge and pulled out a bag of imitation crab. “How about sushi bake?”

“’Kay.”

Lapis made the rice (which was pretty much just leftover that needed to be heated up) while Jasper mixed the crab and mayonnaise together. Lapis threw the rice into the dish and Jasper spread the crab on top. They sprinkled furikake on it and placed it in the oven.

“Now that it’s cooking, wanna decorate the tree?”

Lapis sighed. “Fine…” she mumbled.

Jasper ran to the garage where they stored the fake tree and decorations. Jasper hoisted the tree into the living room while Lapis unenthusiastically dragged the decorations inside. She sat them down and sank into the couch.

“Why are you going through so much trouble with this?” she asked as she rested her face on her hand.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Jasper asked. “Who the fuck has no decorations for the holidays?”

“My parents didn’t….”

“Your parents were boring as shit, Lapis.”

Lapis snorted a laugh.

“What’s this?” Lapis asked, finally taking notice in the cookies beside Jasper’s bag.

“Steven made them,” Jasper said.

“Since when do you talk to Steven?” Lapis said.

“I didn’t. Greg gave them to me.”

“Greg?”

“My client. Steven’s dad.”

“Oh.”

Jasper rummaged through the boxes of Christmas lights. “What color lights should we have? White or rainbow?”

“No blue lights?” Lapis said.

“Those burnt out.”

“Hm.”

“Rainbow has blue,” Jasper suggested.

“I’d rather just have white, I guess,” Lapis said.

“Okay.” Jasper put the white lights on the Christmas tree. As she did so, the buzzer went off. Lapis was courteous enough to take the sushi bake out of the oven while Jasper finished wrapping the lights around the tree. Being finished with her work, Jasper plugged the tree in and lit up the living room as she strolled back to the kitchen. Both of them ate in silence for a while. Jasper looked at the box of decorations only to realize there was only one…and it was…

“You only grabbed Mala’s box,” Jasper said.

“Yeah,” Lapis said boredly.

“You only want to use Mala’s decorations?”

“Yeah,” Lapis said again, picking at her food. She barely put a dent in her sushi bake, but at least she was eating.

Jasper furrowed her brow. “I was thinking we could use the other decorations.”

“Jasper.” Lapis jammed her fork rather hard in the sushi bake, clinging the bowl it was inside. “You insisted we put up this fucking Christmas tree, so let me choose how it looks. Okay?”

Jasper froze up at first. Then she recovered, glaring. “Do you need to get pissed? You know how I feel about seeing Mala’s stuff.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t you think we should put those decorations somewhere…where no one can see it?”

Lapis pushed her chair back and began to storm out of the kitchen.

“Lapis!” Jasper barked. “Where are you going?”

“Away from you before I lose my mind,” Lapis said, who stopped at the kitchen entrance. She turned around. “Do you even look at yourself? You’re trying _so hard_ to get things back to normal but all you do is try to forget about Mala. What is wrong with you?!”

“Forget about Mala?! Since when in the fucking hell would I forget about her?”

“Don’t try to play dumb.” Lapis stormed out.

“Why the fuck would I play dumb?” Jasper demanded as she followed Lapis out. “Now you listen to me-”

“You listen to me!” Lapis said. “It’s only been a month after she died! We are not going to pretend like nothing happened after one month!”

“You have no right to talk about that shit. You have no idea what I saw when I went in Mala’s bedroom. YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!”

“Don’t scream at me!” Lapis fired back.

“You have no idea what kind of shit I saw that day! You want an answer why I don’t want to see Mala’s shit? That’s the answer why!”

“Oh, poor you,” Lapis said. “Well if I saw that, I’d still make an effort to remember my fucking daughter! You have been so fucking distant! Even when she was alive, you’ve been distant. I don’t care if you saw her hanging-”

“DON’T SAY THAT!” Jasper roared. Without even thinking, she charged at Lapis and grabbed her tightly by the shoulders and rammed her against the wall, cornering her. She shook Lapis hard and hit her against the wall again. “DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING SAY THAT!”

“Jasper, let go of me!” she cried.

Jasper ignored her. “WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!” she repeated.

“JASPER!! Seriously! You’re hurting me!” Lapis said.

“F-fuck!” Jasper let go and pulled away. “L-Lapis, I’m sorry, I just…why the fuck would you-?!”

Lapis bolted away.

Jasper said nothing as Lapis rushed up the stairs. A very loud slamming of a door confirmed that Lapis retreated to the bedroom…and that Jasper wasn’t going to sleep in their bed tonight.

Jasper sighed. She trudged over to the couch and pulled a blanket off the ottoman. She arranged some of the pillows and the blanket to create a makeshift bed. Finished with the “bed”, she glanced at the box of Mala’s decorations.

Custom-painted ornaments and paper cutouts filled up the small box. Jasper didn’t dare to open the box to look at it more. Just seeing the surface of it was ripping her heart out.

Inside the pile, Jasper could see a house made of Popsicle sticks. Jasper remembered it. Mala made that one in third grade. It had a picture inside it of Lapis, Mala, and Jasper at the beach together. On the bottom of the ornament, it had the words written in glittery puff paint “I Love My Family".

Jasper immediately headed to the box and taped it back shut.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy crap this chapter is a long one...hope u all enjoy~

“Ma, what are you doing?” Mala asked as she peeked in the workout room.

“Exercising for the morning,” Jasper told her as she stopped the treadmill. She didn’t want it running when Mala was in the vicinity to get hurt by it. Although Mala was only nine years old and should know better…she was still pretty destructive and had the tendency to do stupid things.

“Can I exercise for the morning too?”

“No, Mala. You got to get ready for school.”

“C’mon, just one weight?” Mala asked, looking at her with big, begging eyes.

Jasper shook her head. “Hell no. You’re not strong enough to lift the weights in here. Now get out and get ready, alright?”

“I’m strong enough!” Mala protested. “You never let me do anything! I just want to-”

“Mala,” Jasper gritted again, stepping off the treadmill. “You will one day. But not today.”

Something rumbled from outside the window. She peeked through the blinds to see the bus rolling next to the house. “Jesus Christ!” she spat. Mala was still in her pajamas. Mala rushed out the room to God only knew where. Dammit, Jasper should’ve _known_ to keep that kid homeschooled. But _no,_ Lapis suggested that homeschool wasn’t working out anymore.

“Mala!” Lapis cried from across the house. Stomping grew louder until Lapis stormed into the workout room. “Why isn’t Mala ready?!” Lapis demanded, jabbing a sharp finger into Jasper’s chest.

“Why weren’t you getting her ready?!”

“Because I’m not obligated to do that every single day! You agreed you’d help-”

“You never said that was today!” Jasper barked back.

“Why do I have to fucking tell you what days?! You just fucking do it-”

\--

“Guh!” Jasper woke up in cold sweat. She bolted into a sitting up position on the sofa. The blanket slid off her and she glanced at the wall clock. It was 7:30 am.

 _Shit!_ She should’ve figured sleeping down here without an alarm clock would make her sleep in. She jumped to her feet and ran up the stairs to Mala’s room. She pounded on the door.

“Mala!” Jasper said. “Are you getting ready-?” Then she froze. Her knocking slowed down and her fist unclenched. Her hand slid slowly down the door.

_…Oh…._

Jasper drew in a deep, raggedy breath to calm herself. She pulled away from the door and trudged back downstairs, trying to pretend her heart wasn't wrenching and that that moment didn’t just happen.

\--

Lapis liked to sleep in as long as she pleased. She remained laying there in peace, until heavy steps made their way up the stairs. Lapis opened her eyes, expecting Jasper to try barge into the bedroom for something, but instead, Jasper knocked on the door down from theirs. “Mala!” Jasper called.

Lapis’s heart sank and her throat tightened. She heard Jasper pause. Jasper’s movements slowed and her voice quieted. Lapis heard the footsteps slowly make their way down the stairs again.

Lapis curled up further under the covers and hugged the pillow Jasper wasn’t using.

This was probably the third time she’d witness this happen: Jasper forgetting for just a second that Mala was dead. Lapis couldn’t blame her- she had experienced it too. One time when Lapis was doing laundry, she got confused for a second why Mala’s load wasn’t with the rest. When she remembered a millisecond later why that was the case, she had burst into tears. That phase was over with for Lapis, but apparently Jasper hadn’t shaken it off yet.

\--

_A couple days earlier…_

Pearl shivered. Sitting by the fireplace simply wasn’t cutting it. She pulled a coat over herself and glanced at Steven. Steven wore barely anything warm- he was in his typical tee shirt and jeans. Pearl’s brows furrowed.

“Steven, are you sure you aren’t cold? I can get your hoodie for you.”

“I’m okay, Pearl,” her adoptive son said from across the kitchen. It seemed he was too absorbed in mixing the cookie batter to notice nor care just how cold it was in the house. Pearl ignored his statement and strolled up to the loft where he slept in, and pulled the hoodie off his messy bed.

 _Ugh. This room needs to be cleaned,_ Pearl made a mental note of before climbing down the loft and carrying the hoodie to the kitchen. She handed it to Steven.

“Here. Put this on. I absolutely hate the weather today and I don’t want to see you catching a cold,” Pearl told him. Steven gave the hoodie a disappointed look but took it from Pearl anyway.

“Okay,” Steven said. He slid the hoodie on and immediately went back to mixing the batter.

“Steven will be fine,” Garnet tried to assure as she out-of-nowhere inched from behind Pearl. Pearl jumped a little in response.

“Even so, the flu season is absolutely horrid this year,” Pearl tried to lecture.

“Pfft, I ain’t afraid of it,” Steven’s aunt, Amethyst, said from the couch. She lounged into it in a lax position, with her arms resting behind her head. She had no jacket on; just a tank top and leggings. Pearl scowled.

“Well I certainly hope you had your flu shot,” Pearl said.

“Never had a flu shot in my life,” Amethyst said.

“That is exactly why you get quarantined in your room at least once a year,” Pearl said. “Not to mention, your sanitation habits are atrocious. You need a flu shot more than anybody.”

“Meh, still not afraid.”

“Everyone, can I work on this?” Steven interrupted. “I’m trying to make the perfect sugar cookies and I need to concentrate.”

“What are they for, Ste-man?” Amethyst asked. Her eyes brightened. “Can I lick the batter when you’re done?”

“Amethyst, you are not a child!” Pearl said in disgust.

“They’re for Mala’s moms!” Steven chirped. “The Mrs. Lazuli’s must be sad with Mala at boarding school, so I’m making these for them!”

Pearl’s face softened and she glanced up at Garnet with a sad look in her eyes. Garnet kept her stoic expression as usual, but placed a hand on Pearl’s shoulder.

Amethyst wore a tight smile. “They’re going to love them, Steven. I’m jealous.”

“I’ll save one for you, Amethyst, but only if I can concentrate,” Steven said.

“Steven is right,” Garnet said. “Pearl. Amethyst. Let’s leave Steven be.” She ushered Pearl out of the kitchen and into the living room. The two joined Amethyst on the couch. Pearl awkwardly tried to watch the TV- it was some stupid wrestling show that Amethyst liked to watch. But she tried- anything to ignore the awkwardness of Steven not knowing what actually happened to Mala.

Steven was fourteen years old. Even so, Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, and Greg had all agreed to keep Steven in the dark- at least for now until he was ready. Steven was such a bright kid and while they agreed that he was far past the age to understand death, they just couldn’t bear what such a knowledge would do to his heart. They already knew that Steven tended to blame himself regarding death- he expressed guilt once or twice about his mother dying while giving birth to him. They couldn’t fathom the type of reaction Steven would have to hearing about his friend committing suicide, even with all the love and reassurance he’d receive that it wasn’t his fault.

“Maybe we should make up the cause of death,” Amethyst had suggested. They almost did so, but they changed the plan last minute. Steven just wasn’t ready to hear about Mala being dead, period.

Either way, this whole situation was a mess. Pearl wasn’t quite sure what to do.

“Are you guys okay?” Steven suddenly asked.

Pearl whipped around and laughed. “Of course, Steven. What makes you…what makes you think that?”

“You guys just look bothered,” he said. “And Pearl, you don’t like to watch wrestling.”

Pearl’s face went pink. “Oh!” she said. “Well…I was just…thinking about the ways I should clean your room is all,” she sputtered. She jumped to her feet and headed up the loft. “Of course I wouldn’t watch wrestling, Steven. You’re too silly.” She laughed again.

“Ugh,” she heard Amethyst grunt quietly from below. She could only imagine Amethyst was rolling her eyes at Pearl’s “acting”.

\--

After having that accidental moment, Jasper headed back to the couch and laid down on it. She remembered she had the day off today, so she turned on the TV. She didn’t really care what was on; just to give herself background noise. She tried to watch it- some football game- but no matter how hard she tried, something hot boiled in her. She gritted her teeth.

She barely even noticed that Lapis had walked downstairs, until someone’s fingers lightly stroked through her hair. Jasper tensed at first, but Lapis didn’t fret. Lapis gently sat in Jasper’s lap, her fingers still running through her hair. She picked the messy strands away from Jasper’s face.

“Lapis,” Jasper said.

Lapis said nothing. She leaned against Jasper’s chest.

“How are you?” Jasper said hoarsely. 

“Fine.” She wrapped her arms around Jasper and squeezed her. “It’s going to be okay.”

Jasper blushed. “Why are you doing this?”

“No reason,” Lapis said. Jasper knew that was a lie. It was obvious Lapis overheard Jasper’s stupid…moment.

“So…” Jasper said. “What’s the plans for today?”

“Tonight’s the Holiday Light Parade.”

Jasper blinked. That was…surprising. Normally Lapis would shoot down any plans, let alone acknowledge them. “Really?” she pressed.

“Yeah. I volunteered to…to chaperone…a couple months ago…” She clung onto Jasper tighter.

It was Jasper’s turn to stroke Lapis’s hair. She rubbed Lapis’s back slowly too. “Are you gonna do it?”

“I don’t know,” Lapis said. “I agreed for Steven. He’s really hard to turn down.” She chuckled weakly.

“Hmph.”

“I know you don’t like Steven. He is a lot like Rose. But…he’s a good kid.”

“People also said that about Rose…”

Lapis huffed. “Can we not do this right now?”

“Fine.”

“…I’m not sure if I should go. I got a text from Steven. He asked if I was going to go. I haven’t responded yet…”

“It would be nice to get yourself out the house again.”

“I don’t know…”

“Lapis, you can’t keep moping. There’s gonna be a point where you gotta snap out of it.”

“Hm...”

“Look. If I stayed in bed all fucking day, I’d be depressed as shit too. That’s why I go to work. That’s why I still work out-”

“Maybe I want to do things differently. Is that so bad?”

“Well…no, but-”

“Keep in mind, Jasper, that I’m still upset about last night.” She let go of Jasper and left her lap. “You may have remembered Mala this morning…but I know you want to forget she even existed.”

Jasper said nothing.

“See. You even agree with me.”

“I love Mala…I think.”

“You _think?!_ ”

Jasper wished she didn’t say anything.

Lapis shook her head. “I can’t deal with this right now.” She headed to the bathroom and slammed the door. The shower turned on and Jasper knew Lapis would sulk in there for a while.

\--

Lapis had been in the bathroom for a long time. The shower had turned off a while ago, but Lapis was still in there. Jasper inched to the door to knock on it. Waiting on her wasn’t working anymore. “Lapis?” she asked. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Lapis said, tinge of annoyance in her voice as evidence that she was still mad at Jasper. Jasper breathed a sigh of relief anyway.

The doorknob clicked and turned, and Lapis opened the door. Jasper’s eyes widened at what was in front of her. Lapis’s hair was…back to normal.

For the past few weeks, her hair had been black at the roots and faded blue at the rest. Now it was a vibrant cobalt, the color Jasper was used to seeing. The hair was still wet and the towel slung over her shoulders was forever ruined in stains, but still…this was the most of Lapis looking like her regular self than Jasper had seen all month.

Jasper couldn’t help but have a small smile tug at her lips.

Lapis must have noticed because her eyes narrowed in irritation. “I’m going to the parade,” she said.

“That’s great,” Jasper said.

“Yeah.” She pushed past Jasper.

“What made you decide?” Jasper couldn’t help but ask.

Lapis paused. “For Steven. And…and for Mala…”

Jasper’s face fell. “Mala?”

“Yeah…. She…really wanted to go to this….”

“...”

Lapis looked away. Her gaze fell to the floor and her shoulders drooped. “I need to get ready,” she barely whispered.

Jasper frowned in concern. On one hand, Jasper was happy to see Lapis get out of the house. On another…

“Are you sure you want to go to this?” Jasper decided to ask.

“I have to,” Lapis said.

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“Jasper. How I feel doesn’t matter right now. It’s about Steven, and how Mala feels.”

“Lapis…" 

“I promised her I’d go to it.” Tears started to flood her eyes again.

“Lapis…” Jasper still didn’t know what to say. She approached her wife and softly tried to wipe the tears away, but Lapis slapped Jasper’s hands off. She wiped her own tears herself.

“I don’t get it. I don’t get how you could want me out of the house and now you’re complaining.”

“I’m not complaining. I just hate that you’re-”

“I don’t want to hear it. You’re driving me to that parade whether you like it or not.”

Jasper glared at her. “You’re missing the point.”

“Jasper. You’re taking me there.”

Jasper huffed. “Fine. But only if I go watch it with you, got it? That’s the only fucking way I’ll take you.”

“Sure.” Lapis walked away. “You’ll have to deal with other people’s kids and cheesy lights though.”

“Fine by me,” Jasper said.

“Lots and lots of annoying little kids,” Lapis called from down the house.

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," Jasper said with an eye roll.

\--

Steven looked at his phone and sighed. Pearl glanced up from her work in time to notice.

“Everything okay, Steven?”

“I’m fine…” Steven said. He paused. “Well, I’m just wondering if Mrs. Lazuli is still going to join us today.”

“If she doesn’t want to, Steven, then let her be. Remember, she agreed to this when she thought Malachite would be there.”

“I know,” he said. “I just hope she’s okay.”

“She is, Steven,” Pearl said as she finished sewing up the Santa hat that their mangy cat, Lion, had torn into this morning. She handed the hat back to Steven. “Alright, it’s good as new. Now make sure that cat doesn’t sneak inside again.”

“Thanks, Pearl,” Steven beamed. He scampered to the mirror up in his loft to see how it looked on him.

Just then, Steven’s friend, Connie, looked through the screen door. She knocked on it. “I’m here!” she called.

“Connie!” Steven said. He rushed down the loft and let her inside. He threw his arms around her in a hug. “I can’t wait to watch the Christmas lights.”

“Hi, Steven. Me neither,” Connie said. “My school float is going to be the best one for sure. It was so fun to decorate. Thanks for going to watch it with me.”

“Are you kidding?” Steven said, pulling away. “I’d watch the floats anyway! They’re all so cool.”

Connie laughed. “I know you would, Steven. Nice Santa hat.”

“Thanks!” Steven said. “I got one for you too.” He rushed to the loft and came back down with a matching hat. He also carried down a bag of glow-in-the-dark necklaces. “And we can wear these too so we can glow like the floats.”

“Awesome!” Connie said.

“You can choose the colors you want to wear. I’ll have whatever’s leftover.”

“Thank you, Steven,” Connie said with a smile as she took out her half of the necklaces that Pearl had bought from the dollar store. She glanced at Pearl. “Hello, Pearl,” she said. “I didn’t see you there, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, Connie,” Pearl said. She stood up and smiled. “Are you two ready for the light parade?”

“Yes, ma’am!” Connie nodded.

“Yup!” Steven said.

“It won’t be in a couple hours so just hold tight. Dinner is almost ready.”

“Want to play videogames, Connie?” Steven said.

“Sure,” Connie said. Steven’s phone buzzed and he unlocked his phone.

“Oh hey, Mrs. Lazuli is coming!” Steven said with a smile.

“She is?” Pearl asked, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, she just texted me. She says she’s gonna meet us down there.

\--

A few hours passed. Jasper had already dressed up for leaving the house. Her long, voluminous, bleached hair was brushed out, and she wore a warm, flannel button-up and jeans. She decided not to put on any eyeliner, since it would be dark and people would be too busy looking at the Christmas lights anyway.

Jasper picked up her car keys. “Are you ready, honey?” Jasper called.

“Yeah,” Lapis called back. She walked into the coatroom where Jasper waited. Jasper couldn’t help but embrace and kiss her.

“You look amazing,” Jasper purred into her ear.

Lapis kissed Jasper back, just a peck on the lips. “Thanks,” she said.

Now that Jasper thought about it, she hadn’t seen Lapis out of her pajamas in…a pretty long time. Lapis was wearing a long-sleeved blue dress, leggings, boots, and a scarf. Seeing Lapis look this good made Jasper excited for the summertime, when Lapis would wear crop tops and sundresses…Jasper’s favorite sorts of clothes on Lapis.

“After you,” Jasper said, opening the door for her wife and waving in a chivalrous fashion. Lapis snorted.

“You’re ridiculous,” Lapis said.

“Treating my beautiful wife like she’s an angel makes me ridiculous?” Jasper said.

“Yup,” Lapis said simply as she stepped out, but she smiled. “Calm down. We’re just going to a parade.”

“Even a shitty light parade is a fabulous date when it’s with you,” Jasper said.

“Shut up,” Lapis said. A coy smile twitched her lips. “You’re so sappy, stop it.”

Jasper laughed. “I’ll drown you in sap.”

Lapis turned around and stood on her tip toes to give Jasper another kiss. Jasper kissed back deeply, holding Lapis by the waist as she leaned into Lapis against the car. They lingered on one another’s lips for a while until they hesitantly separated.

“We’re going to miss it if we don’t leave now,” Lapis told her.

“Aww dammit, but I was getting in the mood.”

Lapis snorted as she got in the car. “Don’t tell me parades make you horny.”

Jasper got into the driver’s seat. “You really think it’s the parade? It’s you, my dear.”

“Pfft.” Lapis tried to act as if she didn’t hear that, but a slight blush tinged her cheeks. She shook her head and looked out the window. “So fucking sappy.”

The two headed to downtown. Cars were everywhere, which was odd for this time of night, and even some floats passed by to their destination. Jasper glanced for just a moment to check how Lapis was doing. Lapis stared absentmindedly out the window, her head leaning against the glass and her breath creating a foggy mark next to her mouth.

Lapis broke the silence. “I never realized how much time passed,” she mused blankly.

“What do you mean?”

“There’s Christmas stuff everywhere.”

“That’s how it goes,” Jasper said with a shrug.

“Yeah…”

Jasper’s eyes softened. “Are you sure you’re okay?” she murmured.

“I’m fine.” Her phone buzzed and she picked it up. She read over the text. “Steven says he’s waiting by the arcade. Let’s park close to there.”

“If there is a fucking parking spot,” Jasper gritted as she scanned the parking lot. Fuck, was everyone in Beach City gonna watch this parade?! Cars flooded the roads and Jasper wasn’t the only one looking for a goddamn parking space.

“Chill out. You’ll find one. And we’re both fit; we can walk if we have to.”

“I know,” Jasper said as she looked around.

About ten minutes (TEN FUCKING MINUTES!) passed until finally one car backed out right in front of hers and allowed her to get into its space. Too bad for everybody else behind her that wanted that spot.

“Ugh, fucking finally!” Jasper said as she practically threw herself out of the car. She stretched. “Lucky, huh?”

Lapis joined Jasper’s side. “We better start walking. We’re pretty far.”

“I know, I know.”

As they walked down the boardwalk, Jasper slowly slid her hand into Lapis’s. Lapis intertwined her fingers with Jasper’s and squeezed her hand.

Families surrounded them. Families with kids. Groups of teenagers sat around on the sidewalks too, but it was mostly families with kids. Jasper tried not to feel the envy about those people. She lost her baby and they still had theirs.... Jasper shook the thought away.

Kids scurried around and eagerly asked their parents when the Christmas lights would appear. Parents tried to settle the kids down. Some kids blew bubbles or shook glow sticks around. Again, Jasper tried not to feel envy, and she pushed down memories of Mala once doing the same things when she was much younger at these parades.

“Mrs. Lazuli!” someone said.

Lapis’s face lightened up. “Hi, Steven!” she said in an enthusiastic voice- one that Jasper would only ever hear when she was around kids. _Isn’t he fourteen? Patronizing much?_ Jasper thought. Lapis let go of Jasper’s hand and strolled up to the group to talk to the boy. Jasper recognized the others, except for the girl that was around Steven’s age. Steven’s adoptive mother, Pearl, and his dad, Greg, were standing behind them. “It’s so good to see you again!”

“I missed you so much!” Steven said, giving Lapis a tight hug. He looked past Lapis, right at Jasper. “Hi, other Mrs. Lazuli,” he said.

Jasper gave an awkward wave. “Hi,” she said.

“Hey there, Jasper,” Greg said with a wave.

Jasper smiled- half-forced, half-genuine. “Good to see you again,” Jasper said.

“Did you like the cookies?” Steven asked.

“They were so yummy, Steven,” Lapis said. “Right, honey?”

“Sure were,” Jasper said.

“Steven the other day was talking about how he wants to be a baker when he grows up now, huh, buddy?” Greg asked.

Pearl clasped her hands together. “Oh, he would be an amazing one.” Steven blushed.

The girl Jasper didn’t recognize came up to Jasper and Lapis. “Hi. My name’s Connie, it’s nice to meet you two,” the girl said, lending out a hand to Jasper.

Jasper laughed and shook her hand. “Nice to meet you, Connie. You can call me Mrs. Lazuli…the other Mrs. Lazuli.”

“C’mon, guys, let’s go find a spot to watch the parade,” Steven said. “I know the perfect spot.”

“He sure does,” Greg said. “We’ve been watching parades from that spot for the past several years.”

“We should go before someone takes it,” Connie added.

The group began their trek down the boardwalk. Jasper and Lapis fell behind them, and Jasper found her way back to Lapis’s hand.

“How long is this going to take?” Jasper whispered.

“Don’t ask,” Lapis hissed.

Jasper’s ears grew hot in shame. “Fine…”

They plowed through the sea of parents and children until they reached a brick wall at the outskirts of the crowd. The other family stopped and started setting up their fold up chairs. Pearl set down her bag of drinks. “This is it?” Jasper said. Lapis silently stomped on Jasper’s foot, making her wince.

Greg overheard her question which made Jasper blush even harder. “It’s at the end of the parade so most people don’t like watching from over here, but that means more space for us. Especially for our large family.”

“It’s too bad Amethyst and Garnet couldn’t come,” Steven said droopily.

“Don’t worry, they will next year,” Greg reassured him.

“And it’s too bad Mala couldn’t come either.”

Jasper froze. All of a sudden, her stomach churned, and she wanted to throw up. Lapis tightened her hand around hers.

“Excuse us for a moment,” Lapis said, stepping in front of her wife.

The looks Greg and Pearl gave the two reflected the exact expressions everyone had at the funeral, which didn’t help at all. “Of course,” Pearl said weakly. “We’ll be waiting here for when you’re ready to get back.”

“Is everything okay, Mrs. Lazuli’s?” Steven asked with a frown.

“Everything is fine, Steven,” Lapis said. “We just forgot something in the car. Let’s go, Jasper,” she added. She tugged Jasper gently and led her back down the path. They walked past a couple buildings and turned a corner into a less crowded spot. As soon as they did, Jasper recovered.

“Why the fuck are we here?” Jasper growled.

Lapis sighed. “Jasper…" She gave Jasper's hand another squeeze. "Steven doesn’t know what happened.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He...he doesn't know. He believes Mala is at boarding school.” She sniffled and tried to wipe the tears out of her eyes. “Ugh…”

“I should’ve known not to take you here.”

“What?” Lapis said. “You _wanted_ me to get out of the house.”

“I wanted you to move on!” Jasper growled. “But no, instead you’re crying, and at this fucking parade so you can mope here-”

“I am not moping! I’m doing this because I love Mala! Not that you would understand.”

“How the fuck wouldn’t I understand, Lapis? Fucking explain to me.”

“BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I DO!!” Lapis screamed. Silence fell onto the two. Jasper could’ve sworn other people overheard and were looking at them, but Jasper was too frozen to feel any embarrassment.

“You think…I don’t love her?” Jasper said.

“Let’s just shut up about this. We’re in public. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“No! Let’s keep going, Lapis, because this is some big fucking news to come out of your crapsack mouth!” She laughed darkly. “And you know what? The funny thing is, you’re exactly fucking right!”

It was Lapis’s turn to freeze. “What?”

“This place is driving me crazy and it's making me think something. You know what? Maybe it’s a lot more than just not loving her. Maybe I hate her!”

“This isn’t funny,” Lapis said, trembling. “Don’t you dare say that!”

“I’m not joking,” Jasper said. “Can’t you see? Everything is her fault! We're suffering because of her; we have no family anymore because of her; I don’t think my life can ever be the same because of WHAT SHE FUCKING CHOSE TO DO! She’s an atrocious, selfish brat, and I hate her so much for that, and I don’t understand how you can’t hate her either! Sometimes when I wake up, I wish she never even existed-!”

 ** _SLAP!_** Lapis winded her arm back and delivered a blow to Jasper’s face as hard as she possibly could. The sound echoed through the alley.

Jasper grunted in alarm, taking a few steps back. She rubbed her stinging face, knowing that the vitiligo part of her skin was likely bright red from where Lapis hit. It took a few moments to recover. When she did, all she realized was…

_…What have I done…?_

“Okay…okay…” Jasper took in a few deep, shaky breaths. “I…I deserved that…I really deserved that. Lapis, I’m sor-” She looked up only to find that Lapis was nowhere in sight.

“Lapis?” Jasper said.

Jasper walked back into the crowd. She looked around, and Lapis was nowhere in sight. She narrowed her eyes and scanned for blue hair, but she couldn’t see it.

“Lapis?!” Jasper cried.

_Okay, calm down. She’s probably headed back to Greg’s family. She can’t be far._

Jasper headed back into that direction. When she reached the brick wall, Steven and Connie were sitting on the top the wall, sipping out of thermoses, while Pearl and Greg sat in their fold up chairs. Two empty chairs sat next to theirs.

“There you are,” Greg said. “We set up some extra chairs for you guys. They were for Steven and Connie, but they lent them for you.”

“We like to watch up on the wall anyway, so it’s no problem at all,” Steven said.

“Just be careful!” Pearl said.

Greg looked around. “Where’s Lapis?” he asked.

 _Shit. She’s not here._ “She’s on her way,” Jasper lied. She tapped her foot. “I should check on how she’s doing. See you back here!” She waved and turned around.

“Take your time, but the floats will start coming soon!”

_Lapis, where are you? Fuck, I’m so sorry!_

Band music started to boom as the parade began. Jasper ran down the boardwalk, as floats and marching bands slowly went down the street, right between the crowd and the sea.

_The sea!_

Jasper skidded to a stop. She whipped into the sea’s direction, but floats were already rolling down the street. She took a deep breath.

She waited for a perfect time to cross, but not for too long. “Excuse me, sorry,” she said quickly as she burst forth across the road, through the sea of marching people and in front of the floats. Eventually she scurried to the other side. She stopped and leaned over the railing.

“Lapis!” she called. She scrutinized the beach beyond the boardwalk, but the sun had already set. It was too dark to properly see. Along the street, two people sat on the railing and shared an ice cream. Jasper ran to the couple.

“Hey, have you seen a woman with blue hair walk by? She’s average height, skinny, wearing a dress?”

The girl shook her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t.”

“Didn’t see anyone like that, sorry,” the young man said.

“Dammit. Thanks though. She’s my wife and I kinda lost her.” She laughed nervously.

The girl’s eyes glimmered. “You have a wife? Oh, that’s so cute, congratulations!”

“Yeah. Anyway I gotta keep looking for her. Thank you!” She continued walking, her eyes scanning the darkness-shrouded beach as she did so. Suddenly, a repulsive smell hit her nostrils. It was coming from beneath the boardwalk and she could hear faint music playing from under it too. _Ugh. Teenagers._ Jasper didn’t even need to see it to know.

_Do it for Lapis. Ugh…_

Jasper hoisted herself over the railing and plopped into the sand. She strolled down to see a group of kids laying around listening to music and smoking cigarettes.

“Do you really need to do this shit over here?” Jasper asked. “There’s a family event going on up there.”

“Oh shit, is that an adult?!” someone said.

Jasper held her hands up. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell anyone. At least you’re not shooting up drugs or some shit. I only came to ask if you saw a woman with blue hair anywhere.”

“I have blue hair!” a girl said.

Jasper smacked a hand on her own face in exasperation. “What I mean to say is…have you seen an _adult_ with blue hair? She's average height, skinny, wearing a dress?”

“I don’t know, have we, Emily?” someone said.

“I think so.”

“You think so,” Jasper repeated.

“Yeah, she was walking on the beach.”

“What direction?”

“Our right I think.”

“Thanks.” Jasper turned in the direction they pointed at. “Oh yeah, and try to quit smoking. Don’t do drugs and make sure to stay in school.”

“No problem, old lady!” one of them said.

“I’m not an old lady,” Jasper gritted. She shook it off and walked through the sand, away from that disgusting smell.

\--

Waves lapped next to her feet as Jasper crunched through the sand and rocks. Occasionally she’d have to step in the water to continue moving forward. The icy cold liquid spilled into her shoes and her socks became soggy and freezing as a result. She couldn’t fathom if Lapis tried to get in water that cold…would she?

 _Oh, Lapis…where are you?_ When she rechecked her phone, the clock indicated it had been thirty minutes since she started looking for Lapis. Also, no calls back from Lapis either. Her heart raced and it was getting gradually more difficult to control her breathing. _You need to calm down…_ she told herself. _You need to calm down. You’ll find her. Just calm down._

“Lapis?” Jasper called for about the hundredth time since losing her. She tried to look around again, until she came to the realization that she strayed far from the parade lights. She had been trying so hard to look for Lapis that she hadn’t even realized how diminishing the light sources were becoming. She stopped in her tracks and called Lapis’s number again for about the fifth time that night.

It rung and went straight to voicemail.

“Lapis…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about everything I said. Please call me back. I’m really worried about you.” She hung up.

“Lapis…oh, Lapis..."

Everything was quiet save for the occasional car that drove past on the road above her. More cars started zooming by, until there were so many that the road turned into late-night traffic. Seemed the parade was over and everyone was heading home. Jasper sighed.

 _Did those fucking kids lie to me?_ She seethed quietly. Eventually she made it back to the spot where she confronted those kids. The crevice under the boardwalk was empty and cigarette butts littered the ground. At the very least, the streetlights illuminated the place enough and she didn’t need to strain her eyes anymore.

Eerie silence had long settled upon the boardwalk by the time Jasper climbed back on it. Nobody was in sight, and all the shops were closed. Litter was the only evidence that the parade happened here. Jasper shivered, and she suddenly realized how cold and lonely she was.

“Lapis,” Jasper repeated hoarsely; less vigorously. “Where…are you….”

The last place Jasper hadn't checked back yet in a while was at the car. Jasper trudged over there. Her car was the only one in the lot. She unlocked it and plopped inside. She ripped her shoes and socks off, and smacked her bare feet right on top the heater as soon as she turned it on.

She decided to check her phone. A text from Greg was on her screen.

**Are you guys okay? The parade's almost over.**

Jasper texted back.

**Did you see Lapis at the parade? I’m sorry I didn’t make it.**

Her phone buzzed a few minutes later.

 **She wasn’t there at all. Is she okay? What happened to you guys?** Greg had messaged back.

Jasper groaned and slumped into her seat.

**She’s fine. Just wondering.**

Jasper closed her phone and looked out the window. Her breath quavered slightly, and before she knew it, she was taking short, speedy breaths, and her heartbeat quaked her whole body with each rapid thump. Her head spun.

_Lapis?! Where are you?! Oh God, oh God, oh God!_

_I don't want to lose you too!!!_

Her thoughts flashed back to when Lapis cried yesterday, wailing about how she wanted to die. Did she swim into the sea?! Did she kill herself too?!

 _She joined Mala because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut!_ Jasper wanted to scream and tear at herself. Her fists clenched hard on the steering wheel until the vitiligo in her knuckles turned white. _Mala…not Lapis too…oh God, OH GOD!!!!!_

 _No…no, no, no…you calm down,_ Jasper lectured to herself. _An attitude like that isn’t gonna fix shit._ She drew in a deep, slow breath, and exhaled. _That’s it. You are calm. You will calm down._ Her heart slowed along with her breathing, until she could sink into her seat. _That’s it…just…be calm…_ She breathed out a long sigh. Her stomach still ached with worry, but she could breathe again, and that was all that mattered.

“Lapis…where…are…you…” Her eyelids grew heavy. Before she could fight the instinct to fall asleep, her eyes closed, and her consciousness drifted away…

\--

Jasper held onto Mala’s hand as they walked into the ice cream shop.

“I wanna see!” Mala said, jumping up to try get a look at the flavors. Jasper laughed.

“Alright, alright, be patient,” Jasper said with a grin as she hoisted her daughter up. Mala leaned against the glass as she stared at the amazing array of flavors before her.

“So? Whatcha want?” Jasper asked.

“Hm…” Mala pursed her lips in thought. She scanned for a good whole minute, until she eagerly pointed at the chocolate ice cream with marshmallow bits in it. “That one!”

Jasper’s smile was so big that it nearly touched her ears. “That’s my girl,” she beamed. “Rocky road, huh? That’s my favorite too.”

“I want it!”

“And you get to have it. Two rocky roads, please,” she added to the person behind the counter. Two ice cream cones with the delicious rocky road got handed to her.

Jasper made her way to the bench outside. Malachite followed her. Her daughter was thirteen now. She sat next to Jasper and licked the ice cream.

“I shouldn’t be eating shit like this but damn it’s so good,” Jasper said.

“I wish we can eat ice cream every day.”

“Pfft, hell no. It wouldn’t be special if we had it every day.”

Mala rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Mom. I would never get sick of ice cream.”

Jasper barked a laugh. “Sure, sweetie. Sure."

"Mom?"

"Yes, Mal?"

"What happens when we die?"

Jasper blinked at that weird question. “What?”

"I mean...what do you think happens?"

Jasper thought for a moment. "Well...it depends what you believe in. Some think you go to Heaven or Hell...others think nothing happens...others believe in reincarnation-"

"No I mean, what do _you_ believe in?"

"Hmm...that's a good question." Jasper shrugged. "I have no idea." She chuckled. "That's what I believe in."

"Okay..."

"What's with the edgy question?" Jasper asked.

"I was just wondering."

Jasper laughed. "You're weird, Malachite." She looked away to take a lick of her ice cream. When she looked back, Lapis was in Mala’s place. The ice cream parlor was gone, and they were at a beach instead. The ocean lapped against the bench and the tide was up to their calves.

“Lapis? Oh thank God I found you!” Jasper said.

Lapis said nothing. She just stared at Jasper…with a blank, dead look on her face. Jasper had only ever seen that dead, blank stare once…when she found Mala in…no, no! Jasper jumped to her feet and sloshed back.

“L-Lapis…! Cut it…cut it out!"

Lapis spoke. “Why did you kill her, Jasper?” she droned. “This is your fault.” Tears started leaking down her face until water gushed out of her like a broken faucet.

“Lapis?” The water flooding out of Lapis flowed into the ocean until the tide rose. The ocean slowly sloshed up past Jasper’s belly and all the way up to her neck. Jasper craned her head to the sky just to keep her face above water. “Lapis!” she cried.

“Why did you kill our baby, Jasper?”

Jasper kicked her legs around to get her footing onto something, but the bench was gone. Lapis placed her hands on Jasper’s cheeks.

"Why did you kill her, Jasper?"

"What are you talking about?" Jasper said.

"You killed our daughter. You made her weak when you were supposed to make her strong. Now she's dead because of you. Now I'm going to die because of you..."

"Sh-she killed herself!" Jasper choked. All of a sudden, something cold slithered around Jasper’s ankles and yanked Jasper deep underwater.

Jasper’s eyes darted around, but she couldn’t find Lapis anywhere. She glanced upwards to the surface and found Lapis standing up there miles away, boring into Jasper's soul with that dead look on her face. Chains streamed down from beneath her, which all twisted and constricted around Jasper like a coil of a thousand snakes.

“Why did you do it?!” Lapis's voice echoed around her. It sounded exactly like the time Lapis screamed on the day Mala died, only this time, the words were directed at Jasper. "Why did you make her weak?!"

The water was warm around Jasper's eyes. "I don't know!" Jasper cried. "I didn't know she would kill herself! I thought she was okay! I never even thought something like that could happen to her!"

"If you knew, she wouldn't be dead!" Lapis cried back. "WHY?! WHY DID YOU KILL HER?! WHY, JASPER, WHY?!"

Lapis's shrieks filled the entire ocean, each distress-filled "why" tearing into Jasper's eardrums. Jasper pressed her hands to her ears and shook her head frantically. "I didn't kill her!" she said, eyes shut tight. "She killed herself! It's her fault!"

"BUT YOU MADE HER WEAK! YOU FAILED AT RAISING HER AND NOW SHE'S DEAD!!!"

Jasper flung her arms up in an attempt to grab hold of the chains. When she did, they turned into ropes. Jasper continued to fall. She looked up and Lapis was gone. All of sudden, Jasper was standing above the water and the ropes were tied to Jasper's limbs. Her daughter was the one falling now, and the ropes were connected to Mala's neck.

"MALACHITE!" Jasper screamed. She thrashed around to get the ropes off herself, but to no avail.

"This is your fault," Lapis's voice reverberated around her. The ropes beneath her tightened.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter contain ableism, homophobic slurs, and a (censored, no genitals described) sex scene.
> 
> also, I forgot to mention last chapter, but I'd like to thank my new beta reader, SadieIRL, for polishing this chapter~

The clock said it was 5:00 AM. At one point, that was the time Lapis usually got up, and her body still naturally awoke at that hour despite her staying in bed longer. Lapis would’ve remained in bed until she remembered where she was. She sat up.

She looked around at the hotel room she spent the night in. Sunlight had yet to cast between the blue balcony curtains, and the bed carried the strong scent of fabric softener. The silence was eerie- there was absolutely no sound of Jasper getting ready for work in the morning. Lapis almost missed the sounds of the blender and toaster and coffee machine, and the sounds of Jasper digging through their closet.

_Jasper…_

Suddenly, something bitter engulfed her.

 _Fuck you, Jasper._ She went back under the covers. She absentmindedly grabbed her phone to check it.

Five messages from Jasper.

Lapis had already listened to the voicemails before going to bed last night. They were all the same, just with different wording: Jasper begging for Lapis to come back, and apologizing for what she said in the alley last night. Lapis knew Jasper was genuine, and she knew Jasper must be sick with worry, but even then, she couldn’t let herself give Jasper peace. She didn’t even know if she could forgive Jasper.

 _What kind of mother says she hates her daughter?!_ Lapis seethed. Whether she meant it or not, even daring to say such a thing was horrific.

With that in mind, Lapis set her phone down, and curled back under the covers. She closed her eyes and fell back into slumber, hoping Jasper was paying for what she did last night. Sure, it was petty, but Jasper deserved it.

\--

Jasper’s eyes snapped open. Sweat dripped down her face and her clothes were soaked, but at the same time, the cool air nipped her enough to make her shiver. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest and her breath was shaky and rapid.

 _Malachite…!_ The nightmare still stirred around in the forefront of her mind. The look on Lapis’s face…the screaming…the drowning…Malachite getting hung…

“F…fuck!” she gasped breathlessly.

Jasper gripped her quivering hands on the steering wheel. When she did and realized she was in the car, the memories of last night flooded back. Lapis was still lost.

Jasper snatched her phone off the passenger seat. She opened the phone only to find that there were still no calls from Lapis. Fuck, if this kept up, Jasper might have to call the fucking police.

She typed Lapis a text.

 **You tell me where the fuck you are right now or I’m calling the police. This isn’t funny.** She finished typing with shaky fingers and clicked “send”.

Jasper stared at the message until it registered at “sent”. As soon as it did, regret started biting at her.

 _Jasper. You’re freaking out again,_ she scolded herself. _Calm down. You’ll find her. Calm the fuck down._ She tried to control her breathing again, but it didn’t work as well as last night did.

She checked the clock in her car. It was past 7:00 AM. Fuck. Didn’t she have a session with a client at that hour…and one an hour before?! _Fucking shit!_

Jasper ended up spending a good thirty minutes calling all her clients for the day and telling them she’s taking the day off. She apologized to the person who was already waiting for her at the gym and the one whose session Jasper didn’t show up to.

“Woke up not feeling good,” Jasper said. Well, to be fair, it was somewhat true, but she refused to go into the whole story.

“Take care,” the person said, tinge of annoyance in their voice. At least they weren’t shouting at her like when Jasper used to work in customer service.

“Once again, I’m so sorry for the inconvenience,” Jasper said one last time before they both said goodbye and hung up. After finished calling everyone else, Jasper sighed and slumped back in her seat. She ran her hands through her hair and down her face in vexation. _Why, Lapis?_

Her phone buzzed. Thinking it was a client, Jasper picked up the phone, but instead, she breathed out a sigh of relief. Tears pricked her eyes as she was on the verge of just crying in relief. She covered her mouth as if that would stop the tears. Lapis finally texted back.

**im at the seashore hotel**

Then utter anger ignited inside her. She tapped on Lapis’s number and called her. As soon as Lapis picked up, she barked loudly in the phone, not caring if the people outside could hear her.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I WAS SCARED SHITLESS ALL FUCKING NIGHT!!!” Jasper shrieked.

“It’s okay,” Lapis’s voice said through the phone.

“IT’S OKAY?! IT IS NOT OKAY, LAPIS! I LOOKED FUCKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU! DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT SHIT YOU PULLED IS OKAY!”

“I was pissed.”

“You were pissed. YOU WERE PISSED. GEE, THANKS, LAPIS, FOR THE FUCKING JUSTIFICATION, NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY FORGIVEN!!!! What else did you fucking do?”

“I went there, booked a room, and fell asleep. End of story.”

“Why is it that being with you is like parenting a fucking child? You are thirty-three years old, Lapis. THIRTY-THREE YEARS OLD!! Is it that difficult to act your goddamn age?!”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” Jasper said.

“I just really needed space.”

“Then why didn’t you fucking tell me?!”

“Because you’d get in my space regardless like you always do.”

“No words can describe how pissed I am at you right now.”

“Trust me, I know you’re pissed. You can scream more at me in the car. I check out in a few hours but I’m ready to get out of here. I just saw a roach.”

“I almost don’t want to pick you up.”

“I don’t want to get picked up either.”

“I’m heading there right now.”

“’Kay.”

“See you there,” Jasper said bitterly.

“’Kay,” Lapis said again. Jasper hung up.

Jasper started the engine. She checked Google Maps to figure out where the Seashore Hotel was, and her eyes widened. That hotel was _three fucking miles_ away! _Lapis walked there in the dark?!_ Jasper was going to have the longest fucking talk with that bitch once Lapis gets in the car.

 _Why does she have to be such a fucking child?!_ Jasper seethed.

\--

Lapis only had her phone and the clothes on her back, so leaving the room was a breeze. It was getting stuffy in there anyway and she was starting to smell mold behind the overriding stench of fabric softener. She left the room, returned her key, and waited outside the hotel by the driveway. She sat down on a bench and turned her head to look at the ocean. The waves crashed against the rocks, spraying the slightest of mist onto Lapis.

Lapis hunched over and rested her head on her hands, staring absentmindedly at the sea. A person was walking along the rocks and putting seashells into a bag.

She mentally prepared herself for the renewed bout of rage Jasper would likely unleash on her by the time she gets picked up, but Lapis should be the one having a talk with Jasper. Anger still warmed her blood just even remembering those hateful things Jasper said. She didn’t care how upset Jasper was, or how much Jasper insisted in the voicemails she didn’t mean it. What she said was so cruel and offensive and she hoped to God that wherever Mala was, Mala didn’t hear that.

Lapis’s attention reverted back to the sea, just for a second. The person was still picking seashells. Lapis watched, remembering Mala when Lapis took her to the tide pools. Lapis still had the cowrie and drupe shells Mala had found, when the family visited Jasper’s father in Hawaii. Those shells were displayed on a window sill in their bedroom for years, but Jasper didn’t want them anymore, so Lapis placed them in Mala’s room. Nearly everything Mala owned was inside her room now, as much as Lapis tried to make it look the same as Mala left it.

A large wave rose up and crashed against the rocks, spraying a good burst of mist on Lapis before dissipating. When the wave drew back, the person was gone.

Lapis jumped to her feet. She scanned the area past the small cement wall until she saw a flash of the person in the water. Lapis rushed forward and jumped over the wall. She threw her phone on a sandy patch of ground and rushed near the surface.

The person struggled. Their head of short, blonde hair burst out the water and they drew in a raggedy breath. A wave renewed and the person tried to swim over it, only to get pummeled against the rocks. They re-emerged again, pounding at the water and appearing as if they were climbing an invisible latter, drawing in desperate gasps.

 _Ah shit._ Lapis ran forward and jumped in the water.

She swam up to the person. Unsurprising for a panicking person, the girl lunged herself onto Lapis and tried to climb on top of her. Lapis ducked back under the water, but when the girl still held on, Lapis kicked her hard in the shins to make her let go. It was a rough gesture, but Lapis wasn’t going to let herself drown either.

“If you can understand me, you need to calm down,” Lapis said after bursting out the water.

“I want out!” the girl gasped.

“Don’t worry. You’ll get out. Just relax; it’ll make things easier.” She looked to the side and saw another wave coming. “Duck under the wave.” She held the person’s hand so she wouldn’t lose her.

“Duck?!”

“Just trust me.”

The wave headed right at them. Lapis took a deep breath and ducked under the water. The person obeyed her, and the wave passed over. Lapis and the other re-emerged.

“Don’t swim over a wave,” Lapis said. She tugged the person and quickly scanned for a spot that would have good footing, and helped the girl towards it. “Hurry before another wave comes,” she said, helping the person onto the rocks. It took a while to properly get the person up, but the person managed to scramble their way back to the surface. Another wave hit and Lapis sunk back in the icy cold water. She burst out and smoothly climbed to the surface too.

“Th-th-th-thank you,” the person said, absolutely soaked and shivering.

Lapis wrung out her dress. “You okay?”

“I think so.” She looked down and there was a huge gash in her leg, with the blood leaking down and mixing into the tide pool water below her. “SHIT!” she squawked.

“No kidding. You need medical help right now-”

“My sea shells are gone!”

“…You should be more concerned about your leg,” Lapis said.

“I don’t have to go to the hospital, do I? I hate those places.”

“Unless you want to risk getting infection or bleeding out. Here.” She unwrapped the sweater off herself and winded it tightly around the girl’s leg. “This should stop it for now. I’m going to call for an ambulance.” As she headed to her phone, she saw a very familiar car drive by. Jasper was here.

 _Beep beep!_ Jasper roughly rammed her hand against the steering wheel’s horn.

Does she have to do that? Lapis grumbled. She turned to the girl.

“Can you stand if I take you to the hospital, or would you prefer an ambulance?”

The girl kept shivering as if she were stark naked in the middle of Antarctica. “I-I-I just want to be warm right now!” she said.

“Can you walk okay?”

The girl limped forward. “I believe so,” she said.

“Okay, follow me.”

Lapis helped the girl step over the wall, and then they walked to Jasper’s car. Lapis opened the passenger seat.

“Someone got injured,” she told Jasper. “Can we take her to the hospital?”

Jasper shot Lapis with the grouchiest look she’d ever seen. Jasper didn’t…look so hot. Her eyes were bloodshot and the marks under them were more profound. Jasper’s eyebrows rose at the blood-soaked scarf on the girl’s leg.

“Uh…yeah, sure,” Jasper said.

Lapis opened the backseat for the girl. “If you’re comfortable, my wife and I can take you to the hospital. Or I can call an ambulance,” she explained.

Without even saying anything, the girl limped to the car. Lapis helped her in and then shut the door. Lapis climbed into the passenger’s seat.

“You guys must be freezing,” Jasper said.

Lapis hadn’t even realized she was a shivering mess until she felt the warmth of the heater hit her cold form. She soaked in the heat, but it wasn’t near enough. She cranked it to full blast. It took all willpower to revert the vents from herself and point it at the girl in the back. That girl probably needed it more than Lapis did.

Jasper pressed her foot on the gas and sped to the nearest hospital.

“Thanks so much,” the girl said. “I didn’t even see that wave coming.”

“No problem,” Jasper answered for Lapis. “Lapis here is lifeguard. She’s just doing her job.”

“I’m Lapis Lazuli,” Lapis said. “This is my wife, Jasper.”

“Hi, Lapis. Hi, Jasper,” the girl said. “You can call me Peridot.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “This is an awkward way to start my first day in Beach City.”

“You’re visiting?” Jasper asked.

“Moving,” Peridot answered. “My dog, Pumpkin, and I, abandoned everything we had to move here. We were staying at that hotel just then. It isn’t the greatest place, but it was the cheapest hotel I could find that would allow pets.”

“Moving, huh? What made you choose this place?” Jasper said.

“I purchased some property over here. It was offered to me, really. I’m going to become a farmer!”

“There is a lot of country here on the outskirts,” Lapis said.

“Yep.” She chuckled, somewhat sadly. “My parents were so furious when they found out. I recently earned a Master’s in biomedical engineering, spent a year as a technician, until I decided it wasn’t for me. I always wanted to be a farmer but my parents refused to allow it. They haven’t spoken to me since I announced the move...I’m not even sure when they’ll speak to me again.” She blushed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…get that personal with you two.”

“If it makes you feel better, my parents haven’t talked to me in fifteen years,” Lapis said.

“I’m very sorry,” Peridot said.

“It’s fine. I’m over it.”

“That’s how we met. She went to an LGBT support group after getting kicked out and I just happened to show up too,” Jasper said.

“Yeah.”

Jasper laughed. “To this day I still don’t know what she saw in me.”

 _Me neither…_ Lapis thought sadly. But Lapis shook her head. “You were gorgeous, Jasper. Brave and strong and capable of anything. That’s what I saw in you.” _She was so appealing back then…_

Jasper gave Lapis an irritated look for a millisecond before returning her eyes to the road. Lapis knew Jasper wasn’t in the mood to getting buttered up, but Jasper kept the atmosphere light anyway, for the sake of that person in the backseat. “The way we met was so strange,” she said, laughing. “I still remember it; do you, Lapis? I literally flipped you off when we first saw each other.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s nice,” Peridot said. “I hope I create the most out of my situation as well. My hopes are up! Moved to great place in the country, right next to the ocean, having my own property and away from city life with my dog. I’m looking forward to it.”

“That’s great to hear,” Jasper said. “What are you going to farm?”

“Corn and pumpkins are what I plan to raise the most,” Peridot said.

“Gonna raise any animals?”

“I’m…not sure. There is a barn, but…I’m going to be living in it. Until I can build a house if I decide to.”

“Sounds like a lot of work.”

“Yep,” Peridot said. “After I prepare the barn and plant my crops, I’ll give you some of my produce for the gesture you’ve just done. If you are okay with that, of course.”

“Me and Lapis love fresh produce,” Jasper said. “Right, Lap?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome! You’ll be the first ones to get to eat them,” Peridot said boldly.

Jasper pulled into the Urgent Care. They both helped Peridot out and to the building.

“Thank you so much, everyone. I believe I can take care of myself from here,” Peridot said.

“You sure?” Jasper said.

“Yep! Oh! Can I have your guys’ numbers? That way we can keep in touch so I can give you my gift of thanks later.”

“Sure,” Jasper said. They got their phones out, but Peridot’s wouldn’t turn on.

“Shit! It must have broke when I fell in the water. I’ll have to see if it can get fixed.”

“Hold on,” Jasper said. She headed back to the car and tore out a napkin and sharpie from the glove box, and wrote both Lapis’s and Jasper’s numbers on it. She handed it to Peridot.

“You can take this,” Jasper said.

“Thanks, everyone,” Peridot said, holding onto the napkin. “Anyway…I should get going and get this over with. Do you want your scarf back?” she added to Lapis.

“I-i-it’s okay,” Lapis said through her shivering. She was sure Peridot was freezing too. “You can give it back whenever you have time.”

“Thank you,” Peridot said. “Sorry it’s so bloody.”

“It’s okay.”

“Anyway, I should get this over with so I can return to my dog. Thank you very much and Happy Holidays.”

“Not a problem,” Jasper said. “Hope to hear back from ya.”

“I’ll definitely keep in touch once my phone is fixed,” Peridot said.

They all said their goodbyes, and Jasper and Lapis returned to the car. They both got inside and drove off.

“I hope she’s fine on her own,” Lapis said.

“Yeah…” Jasper grumbled. The bitterness she placed a façade over while Peridot was in the car made its full appearance again. They drove in silence for a while, with the only sound being the rumble of the engine and other cars sweeping by.

Lapis’s shoulders sunk and she looked out the window. “Jasper…”

“What?” Jasper half-gritted, half-snarled.

“I’m sorry…”

Jasper said nothing.

Lapis’s vision warped as fat tears welled up in her eyes. She tried to suck back up some snot that was about to dribble out her nose. “I’m sorry,” she quavered.

“C’mon, Lapis, do you have to cry right now?”

“I’m not just sorry to you…”

“What?”

“I did something so terrible.”

“Yeah, you did,” Jasper said.

Lapis hunched over and started to cry.

“Lapis!” Jasper said. “C’mon, don’t do this, you know I’m pissed at you right now! Cut it out!”

Lapis continued to cry. Tears rolled out of her eyes and her whole form shook. “I’m a terrible mother!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Lapis didn’t answer. The sobs were too much that they completely cut off her ability to speak.

Jasper breathed out a long, irritated sigh. “You’re not a terrible mother…” she grumbled. Jasper kept her eyes on the road.

Lapis hiccupped. “Yes I am.”

“What the fuck does this have to do with anything?”

“BECAUSE I RAN AWAY!” She sobbed harder.

“Maybe that will teach you not to be a fucking child. Now buckle down and own up for your fucking actions. _You’re fine._ ” Through the corner of her eye, Lapis saw Jasper shake her head in what could only be annoyance.

“Jasper…”

“What?”

“I didn’t get to see the float.”

“…Oh.”

\--

_Lapis sat at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and browsing the news app on her phone. Mala came scampering down the stairs._

_“Mom,” Mala said._

_Lapis took a sip of her coffee. She didn’t bother to look up at her daughter. “What?” Lapis asked._

_“Can we go to the Holiday Light Parade in two months?”_

_Lapis breathed out a sigh, still not looking at Mala. She rubbed her temple. “You’re too old for that…” It’s the same every year… Lapis thought._

_“But Steven goes every year! And Connie is going too.”_

_“If you want to go with them then fine, but you still need to obey curfew.” Can’t she do things that’ll make her fit in?_

_“You and Mama should come.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I get to decorate a float this year!”_

_Lapis paused. She looked away from her phone and up at Mala. “You didn’t tell me that.”_

_Mala beamed. “I am! Cool, huh? My whole class is doing it.”_

_“Make sure not to draw any penises on it, okay, sweetie?”_

_Mala laughed. “I know, Mom.”_

_“Did you get to work on it yet?”_

_“It won’t be until next month.”_

_Lapis smiled. “That’s great, hon. I’d love to see your float.”_

_“You promise you’ll get to go?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“Swear to God?”_

_Lapis laughed. “Yes, Mala.”_

_“Awesome! I’m going to make it the coolest float ever!”_

\--

“C’mon, Lapis,” Jasper said, shaking her. “What’s done is done. Calm down.”

Lapis sniffled. Her throat was so tight, she didn’t know how she could speak, but she did. “Jasper…do you think…she died because of me?”

Jasper let go of her. “What? Don’t say that.”

Lapis’s lip trembled. “Maybe I didn’t love her enough…”

“Lapis…of course you did.”

“Maybe I didn’t pay attention to her enough.”

“Lapis…you loved her and she knew that.”

“What if you’re lying?” She started to sob again.

“Lapis…” Jasper stopped and swallowed. “If it makes you feel better…I…” She shook her head. “Never mind….” She bit her lip.

“What?”

“Nothing…just a stupid dream I had…”

They parked the car in the garage. As soon as Jasper stopped the car, Lapis stepped out and headed inside, ignoring the gesture of Jasper reaching out. Jasper probably wanted to comfort her, but Lapis wasn’t in the mood. She went straight upstairs.

_Fuck, it’s so cold._

Lapis rushed to the closet and pulled out the warmest shirt and sweatpants she had. She completely stripped out of her soaked clothes and threw the warmer ones on. She breathed a sigh. _Ah…_ She sunk back in the comfort of her bed, enjoying how warm and soft she felt for once.

A knock on the door interrupted her peace. “Can I come in?” the husky voice of her wife said through the door.

“’Kay.”

Jasper opened the door and trudged in. She joined Lapis and sunk heavily into the bed. “Ugh…finally…”

“Did you sleep?”

“I slept in the car.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t do that again,” Jasper grumbled.

Lapis thought for a moment. “You said to own up for your actions. I hope you do the same.”

“This is about the thing in the alley, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t stress enough how sorry I am about it,” Jasper said. She flipped over so she could face Lapis and look her in the eyes. “I was really upset. You know I’m sorry, right?”

Lapis looked away. “Yeah…”

“Good.”

“Do you blame her?”

“I don’t know…”

“I’m still angry.”

“I know…I’d be pissed at myself too.”

“Are you pissed at yourself?” Lapis asked.

“I’m always pissed.”

Lapis snorted. She expected Jasper to laugh too, but when she looked back to her wife, Jasper had a downcast look on her face.

“I don’t…know what to be angry at…” Jasper mumbled softly, barely audible. She sunk her head in the pillow. “God, I’m a mess.”

“No you’re not,” Lapis said. “You do things that piss me off, but you’re not a mess. I don’t know how you still sleep at night, but you do. You’re strong for that.”

Jasper laughed weakly. “I try to be…”

“You are.”

“Thanks.” Jasper looked away. Although she expressed gratitude, her face told otherwise.

“You’re bothered.”

“It’s nothing.” Jasper pinched the bridge of her nose. “Sorry. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I don’t know how to comfort you if I don’t know,” Lapis said softly.

“I don’t want to be comforted, got it?” Lapis nearly scoffed as Jasper said that, but Jasper continued. “I don’t…deserve it.”

“Why?”

Her lip twisted into a frown. “It’s my fault…”

“You don’t know that. No one knows why she died.”

“It’s such _bullshit!_ ” she snarled.

Tears pricked Lapis’s eyes. “I know.”

“Why didn’t she leave a fucking note to explain it? It was so sudden…I…I don’t get it! I’ll never know why she did it and it’s such bullshit!” Her voice broke and she covered her eyes with her arm. “Is it my fault for not knowing?! Did I…am I…the reason?”

Lapis’s face started to stream again. She didn’t even bother to wipe her eyes this time; it was too tiring. She used to only cry on rare occasions, but now, a day hadn’t passed since Mala’s death where Lapis didn’t cry. Lapis hated it. It felt like she’d become a new person and she didn’t know when the tears would go away…they never seemed to end…

“Shhhh…no you weren’t,” she said in a hushed voice.

“But no one knows!”

“It’s okay,” Lapis whispered, not sure if she meant it.

“Let’s just shut up about this,” Jasper said.

Lapis inched forward and hugged Jasper’s strong arm. She rested her head on Jasper’s shoulder. Jasper turned her head away from Lapis, but she didn’t flinch or pull away. They laid together in silence.

\--

 _I shouldn’t have drank all that hot chocolate,_ Connie thought as she suppressed a yawn. At the very least, it was lunch break now, and she didn’t need to struggle paying attention in class at the moment. Drinking all that sugar at the parade last night sure did keep her up. It made her jealous of all the other schools that were out on winter break already.

The line Connie waited in dissipated, and eventually she grabbed her tray of food and carried it to her usual table in the cafeteria. Rhodonite and Padparadscha were already at the table waiting for her.

“Hi, Connie,” Rhodonite said.

“Hello, everyone,” Connie said.

Paddy clapped her hands together. “Connie is here!” Paddy always had a tendency to state the obvious for some reason. “And she has a grilled cheese for lunch!”

“Was the float cool?” Rhodonite asked.

“It was great,” Connie said after taking a bite and swallowing a piece of her sandwich. “It’s too bad you two couldn’t have come. It was a lot of fun.”

“Didn’t you hang out with that homeschooled kid?”

“His name is Steven and yes I did,” Connie said. She took another bite.

“A-aren’t you worried about looking like a loser?” Rhodonite asked worriedly.

“Rhodonite…I’m pretty sure I’m the biggest loser in this school. It isn’t going to damage me. And besides, Steven is nice. Sure he still looks twelve and he cries easily, but he’s the only eight grader that isn’t horrible to us.”

“I guess…”

“Mala wasn’t a jerk to us,” Paddy put in.

“Mala was never a jerk to us. But she still had a short fuse and impulse control problems.”

Silence fell onto the table for a moment. They all looked at their lunches.

“So…what did the float look like?” Rhodonite asked. Just then, a pair identical twins sat down next to her. The twins, Ru and Tile (Connie had no idea what Tile’s real name was), were finally here.

“Hi, guys,” Connie said.

“Hello,” they both said.

“You both have grilled cheeses as well!” Paddy said.

“What are you guys talking about?”

“The parade,” Connie answered. She took another bite.

“Hey, four-eyes!” someone called from the distance. “Saw you at the parade last night!”

The girls all looked up to see a tall girl with short, puffy hair: Alexandrite. She passed Connie and her friends’ table and flicked Connie’s head.

“Saw you hanging out with that little faggot tard the other night,” Alexandrite said.

Connie narrowed her eyes. “He’s not gay and he’s not disabled either. And even if he was, who cares?”

“How did you see that?” one of the twins put in.

“Yeah,” the other twin agreed. “That meant you went to the parade. Didn’t you say parades were for losers?”

Alexandrite flipped her hair. “Only because my stupid mom made me go so I can watch my stupid little brother. What’s it to you? You still hung out with that stupid retard!”

“Leave us alone,” Connie said.

“You are being very mean to us,” Paddy said.

Alexandrite ignored them. “Of course you’ll hang out with him. Just like how you hung out with that fag girl that died.”

“Leave Mala out of this!” Connie said. “She’s dead. Leave her alone!”

“What? Is she gonna turn into a zombie and eat my brains? Is she gonna haunt me?” Alexandrite laughed.

“You have no respect!”

“Why would I respect her? She was ugly and a freak. No wonder she killed herself. Also, I’d kill myself too if I only had two ugly faggots for parents and was covered in gross stripes.”

“I said _leave her out of this!_ ” Connie said, jumping to her feet.

“Connie, don’t!” Rhodonite said.

“Yeah, do it for Mals!” one of the twins said, but Rhodonite shushed her.

Alexandrite laughed. “You don’t scare me! You’re just a sixth grader! What, you gonna use those widdle martial arts moves you brag about?”

“I…” Connie stopped herself. No, it wasn’t right. Sensei said to never use martial arts outside the dojo unless it was absolutely needed…was Mala a proper situation, or was that just spite driving her? Connie took a step back.

“That’s what I thought, wimp,” Alexandrite said, shoving Connie back into her seat. She stomped away to the lunch line.

“Ugh, I hate her!” one of the twins said.

“Yeah,” the other twin said. “Who does that to someone that just killed herself?!”

“Connie, you need to control yourself!” Rhodonite said. “She’ll beat you up!”

“Chill out, Rhodonite,” Ru said. “Connie can beat her up if she wanted to.”

“Thanks,” Connie mumbled. She glanced quickly at Alex, only to get flipped off by her. Connie swallowed down all the anger creeping up her, and returned to her lunch.

\--

Jasper’s deep breathing indicated that she had long fallen asleep, and Lapis pushed herself carefully out of bed. She crept to the door and disappeared from the bedroom. She padded to where she usually spent time in that wasn’t the bed: Mala’s room.

Lapis unlocked the door. She walked in and gently closed the door behind her. She said nothing as she lightly sat on Mala’s watermelon-themed bed, trying not to create any wrinkles on it. She smoothed out a crease.

“Mala…I’m sorry…” Lapis whispered. “I’m sorry…I hope you can forgive me.”

She glanced around. No matter how many times she’s done it, she always took the opportunity to soak in the surroundings of this room, as if seeing it for the first time. The watermelon-themed bed and wallpaper. The unfitting shark plush surrounded by watermelon pillows. The desk with all of Mala’s textbooks and homework papers on it. The Godzilla posters and figurines that stood out tackily in the otherwise fruity room.

The desk was messy, as was the floor that had dirty clothes scattered around that Lapis refused to pick up. Mala’s disorganized and cluttered tendencies took a lot from Jasper. Lapis used to loathe it when Mala was alive, but now, Lapis didn’t have the heart to clean this room…since it was the last trace of Mala having been alive.

Most of all, Lapis took in the scent. It was the scent of her baby; a scent Lapis had taken for granted. She barely noticed it back then. Now, Lapis realized the scent was everywhere in this room- on her clothes, on the bed, on the hairbrushes; in the air…. Lapis had developed a worst fear since Mala died, and that fear was of the scent one day fading away, never to be felt again.

 _Oh, Mala…if only I cherished you while you were still here…_ But then Lapis chuckled softly. _You would hate it, wouldn’t you? You always hated affection._

Lapis sat there in silence. She reached over and gently picked up the shark plush. She held it against herself and nuzzled into it, taking in the scent and letting the soft fur brush against her lips, remembering the days when Mala was smaller than this toy. She remembered when Mala, just an infant, would cling onto the vicious predatory fish and throw a fit when she had to get taken away. Lapis was appalled that Jasper actually bought that for Mala, but Jasper complained that Mala wouldn’t stop reaching for it in the store, and so Jasper caved and gave it to her.

The memory made Lapis’s mind drift to the time Mala saw a real shark for the first time. Mala squealing and wiggling in excitement inside the aquarium tunnel when a shark swam right over her. For years afterward, Mala would ask almost every weekend: “Can we watch the sharks?”

Lapis’s heart sank, bittersweet feelings fading away. Now came the realization once again that Mala would never become a marine biologist; that she would never get to fulfill her dream of working in an aquarium, and of giving speeches to the world about “saving the sharks”. Lapis would never get to see Mala graduate and go to college and live the dreams she had gushed about.

Tears pricked Lapis’s eyes again. She was so tired of crying, but by God, did she cry again. It was a quiet cry this time, silent tears escaping her eyes. She held tighter onto the plush.

_I’m sorry, Mala. I’m sorry you felt the way you did. If only I could have saved you…told you how important you were and how much I loved and believed in you…would that have stopped you…?_

Lapis sobbed softly. She barely even noticed her phone ringing, until it rung a second time. Lapis wiped her eyes and picked it up.

“Hello?” Lapis answered.

“Hello! Is this Lapis?” a familiar, nasally voice said through the phone.

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“Hi, Lapis! It’s Peridot.”

Lapis’s eyes widened. “Oh yeah. You got your phone fixed?”

“Um…not exactly. I am calling from the hospital. I am very sorry for contacting you, but you and your wife are the only people I know in Beach City as of late.”

“Yeah?”

“Well…as it turns out, I am not in the condition to leave the hospital yet. My dog is still in the hotel. I just wanted to request if you have the time to feed and walk her for me today. I’ll give you money for it. Once again, I’m very sorry. I’m aware you’ve done a lot for me and I would never ask you for this if I had other options.”

“Not at all. I don’t work today.”

“So you’ll do it? Oh, thank you so much!”

“No problem.”

“You are such a godsend, Lapis. Thank you.”

Lapis smiled coyly even though Peridot couldn’t see it. “It’s nothing much. Should I meet you? I guess I’ll need the hotel key too.”

“Yes, you would. Just head to the Urgent Care and I’ll tell you more along the way.”

“’Kay.” They said goodbye and Lapis hung up.

Lapis stood up and smoothed out Mala’s bed, and stepped over the discarded clothes as she made her way out. She peaked back inside her own bedroom to see Jasper was still asleep. She gently walked in and stroked Jasper’s hair until she woke up a little.

“I’m leaving the house for a bit,” Lapis said.

“You…are? That’s good to hear,” Jasper said, closing her eyes again.

“Yeah. I’ll be back soon.”

“Alright…” Jasper didn’t say anything after that, and Lapis assumed Jasper had fallen back asleep. Lapis stepped out and headed to the car.

The car Lapis was allowed to drive was a shitty one. The car they usually rode in, Jasper’s car, had Jasper extremely anal about other people using. Lapis knew nothing and didn’t give a shit about cars, but apparently it was a new model, and a very expensive and nice one at that. Luckily Lapis and Jasper worked at the same place, so they rarely ever needed to endure the shitty, second car in the garage. But Lapis figured she’d have to drive that one so Jasper didn’t pop another gasket today.

It took a while to get the stupid car to start, but it managed. It made weird noises but at least the engine was running now. Lapis pulled out of the garage and headed back down to the place they dropped off Peridot. She parked in front of the building and walked inside.

“I’m here to see Peridot,” Lapis said.

“Name, please?” the person behind the desk asked.

“Lapis Lazuli."

Lapis got led to the room Peridot was staying in. She walked in to see Peridot sitting up in a bed, her leg covered with bandages.

“Good to see you, Lapis!” Peridot said. “I see you’re all changed and warm.”

Lapis blushed when she realized she was still wearing her sweatpants. “I didn’t want to keep your dog waiting,” she said.

“Don’t worry. I like the look. It says ‘fearless and not giving a shit ‘cause I’m comfortable as hell’.”

Lapis smiled. “I guess.”

“Anyway, here’s the key.” Peridot handed her the card to her room. “My room is 358. And here is some money.” She handed Lapis the dollars.

“You don’t need to pay me,” Lapis said.

“Are you sure? You’ve done so much for me today.”

“No worries,” Lapis said.

“Come on, I know you want it,” Peridot sang, waving the dollars around. “Who doesn’t want money?”

Lapis huffed. “Fine. If you insist.” She grabbed that too and tucked it in her pocket. “It’s no big deal though. I would have just laid inside all day.”

“Nothing bad about that.”

“My wife hates it.”

“Your wife doesn’t know the comfort in laziness, then.”

“She is a workaholic. It’s her way of coping, I guess…”

“Coping?”

“Our daughter died a month ago.”

Peridot’s face fell. “…Oh. I’m…very sorry about that,” she said gently.

“…Yeah...” Unshed tears shimmered in her eyes.

“That must be awful,” Peridot said. “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine that. You know, my hamster died once.” She paused and blushed. “Okay, actually, that doesn’t count at all.”

Lapis sniffled. She couldn’t help but also chuckle and snort at Peridot’s senseless blunder. Normally Lapis would be insulted by that comparison, but…this Peridot didn’t seem like the insulting type, at least not intentionally.

“You have a nice laugh and smile,” Peridot said. “Not to slander you from crying, of course. It’s perfectly okay to cry. But I do like your laugh.”

“Thanks. I used to be made fun for it in high school.”

“Those kids had no idea what charming was. I don’t know what the teen slang is these days, but I’d say they were all, like, basic bitches,” she added in a valley girl accent.

Lapis laughed again. “Kids don’t sound like that.”

“I assumed not.”

“It’s good you’re patient about my crying. My wife hates it. I hate it. She comforts me, but…I can tell she’d rather not. I can’t stop and it sucks.”

“You must have a lot to get out,” Peridot said. “No shame in that. Just keep crying until you’re done.”

“Yeah. Sometimes I think I cry for my wife too.” She laughed weakly and looked away, and her eyes started to swim again. “She only cried once. When the paramedics took our kid away.” She sniffled. “Body bag and everything. I never saw anyone cry as hard as her. She kept her cool when she found the body…but then…when she saw the body bag being carried away…she collapsed to the ground and the shrieks were so haunting.” She wiped her eyes. “It was…the only time she showed emotion. Ever since…she’s been so cold.”

“Maybe that’s her way of coping too.”

“I want to feel for her…but I’m so… _angry_. Why can’t she just remember our kid? I don’t get how she’d go so far to not. I tried to put up pictures of our daughter, but she tore them all down and threw a fit about it.”

“Once again, her way of coping.”

“I guess…”

“I am very sorry for both of you,” Peridot said gently. “But you two just have different ways. There’s no shame. I’m sure she loves your daughter but she just needs time.”

“Yeah…”

“Especially if she found the body. I don’t know about you, but that image would be seared in my mind. It would be hard for me to think about them because that would make me think of their body too, I can imagine.”

“Thanks, Peridot,” Lapis said. “Really. Gruesome, but…that…makes me feel better.”

“No problem. I’m sorry if I can’t sympathize that well. I never actually had it happen to me.”

“You’re doing just fine,” Lapis said. She glanced at the clock. “I hope your dog’s okay.”

Peridot nearly jumped out the covers. “Oh, right! Pumpkin! Thank you for reminding me.”

“Not at all. I’ll take care of her now,” Lapis said.

“Thank you so much!”

“No worries.”

They both said their goodbyes and Lapis left the building. She got back in her car and drove to the hotel, feeling lighter than she had in a while.

\--

About an hour passed since Jasper woke up, well-rested from her nap. She was on her phone, scrolling on it when Lapis’s car finally drove back in. Jasper minded her own business until Lapis made it back to the room. Jasper quickly shut her phone.

“Hey,” Jasper said.

“What are you doing?” Lapis said.

“Nothing.” She hid the phone under the covers. “You?”

“Walked and fed Peridot’s dog.”

“The girl whose ass you saved this morning?”

“Yeah.”

Jasper smiled slightly. “It’s good to see you’re up and moving.”

“Mmm…” Lapis plodded to the bed and sank back inside it. “I still like the covers.”

Jasper frowned. _What happened to when you liked being on your feet all the time?_ Jasper wanted to ask, but she said nothing. Lapis still made good progress today, and Jasper guessed she deserved to be cut some slack.

“I’m still proud of you,” Jasper said.

“Thanks,” Lapis mumbled.

“Feeling better from it?”

“A little.” She turned her head to Jasper. “I’m sorry.”

“About what you did last night?”

“Something else. Being hard on you.”

“…”

“You went through a lot. I keep forgetting that.”

“…Thanks…I guess,” Jasper said. “I guess I was hard on you too, so I’d like to apologize too.”

Lapis scooted closer to Jasper so she could hug and kiss her.

Jasper laughed. “Why are you so affectionate today?”

“No reason,” Lapis said.

Jasper chuckled and wrapped her arms around Lapis’s waist. They both kissed for a minute before separating and resting in one another’s arms. For once, no tension existed, and Jasper enjoyed that. It almost felt as if nothing wrong had ever happened, and nothing ever would go wrong.

\--

Stuff went wrong.

Weeks passed by. As much as Jasper enjoyed seeing Lapis leave the house, it was a short-lived rarity, and Lapis returned to remaining in bed a huge portion of the day. She had either laid in there or dwelled in the room Jasper refused to enter, and she still cried…a lot. There hadn’t been a single day where she hadn’t.

 _“I’ll cry for her every day if I have to!”_ Lapis had exclaimed through her tears one time after Jasper caught her doubled over in a fit of sobs over her cereal while _The Real Slim Shady_ blasted on the radio. Safe to say, it was off-putting.

Christmas wasn’t any different.

At first, the morning was peaceful. Jasper drifted out of bed and allowed her wife to remain in her slumber, and made it downstairs. She lit up the Christmas tree- it had no decorations on it, but it still had the lights. She even lit up a cinnamon-scented candle.

A few presents sat under the tree. Jasper tried not to think about how there used to be plenty more at one time- it was eerily empty, but also eerily too much, for Jasper and Lapis anyway. Jasper and Lapis hardly received this many presents, and Jasper wanted to wonder why this year was so different, but she already knew the answer…

But there was one present Jasper knew she would appreciate. She pulled the thin slab of a present out from under the tree. It was a gift to Lapis, from her.

Sobs echoed from upstairs.

Jasper sighed and put down the present. She trudged back up to their room, and exactly as expected, Lapis was up and crying again. It was harder than it usually was, and full of a raw type of sorrow that made Jasper wish she hadn’t gone back upstairs. She wailed into the pillow and Jasper could already tell her face was a mess of tears and snot. Lapis probably couldn’t even tell that Jasper walked in.

Jasper inched carefully to Lapis’s side and placed a hand on her. “Shh, it’s okay,” Jasper said in a hushed voice.

“No it’s not,” Lapis sobbed.

“Of course it is,” Jasper said, stroking her hair.

“It’s our first Christmas without her,” Lapis said through more sobs.

“We’re going to get through this.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Shhh…yes you will. Come here.” Jasper pulled Lapis into a tight, protective hug. She rocked her back and forth and occasionally stroked her hair. Lapis’s sobs escalated into wails, much to Jasper’s dismay, but they progressively quieted as Lapis let it all out. Jasper kept hugging her and gave her a squeeze.

“Everything’s okay,” Jasper murmured after Lapis quieted down.

Lapis said nothing; just sniffled slightly. She pulled away and blew her nose. Her face was flushed and a complete mess.

“Are you okay?” Jasper whispered.

To Jasper’s dismay again, Lapis shook her head, and she held onto Jasper’s hand. Jasper squeezed and rubbed it.

“It’s okay…” Jasper murmured. She pulled Lapis close again, whether Lapis liked it or not. Lapis hugged Jasper back and Jasper tried to pretend the lump in her throat didn’t exist.

“I miss her…it hurts so bad! I hate this holiday. I…” She sniffled. “I already had plans for presents for her…now she won’t get any.”

“I know…” Jasper said. “Let’s go downstairs. I’m gonna make breakfast and we can open our presents.”

Lapis yanked away so she could return to under the covers. “I don’t want to,” she said weakly. She snuggled into them. “Open them without me…I’m so tired…”

“But Lapis-”

“Don’t fight me on this!” Lapis snapped. She curled up. “I’m not in the mood…”

Jasper huffed. “Fine then.” She stood up. “But you’re still eating breakfast, got it?”

Lapis said nothing. Jasper rolled her eyes and stomped to the kitchen.

Of course Lapis would fucking be like this! Jasper didn’t know why she kept her hopes up. Maybe it was Jasper’s fault for being an idiot.

That aside, Jasper made it to the kitchen and prepared breakfast. It was the usual Christmas breakfast, one her mother made every year that Jasper passed on ever since: reindeer pancakes. Three stacks of pancakes for each person, with blueberry eyes, strawberry nose, and bacon for antlers. Jasper wasn’t the greatest artist though- Mala used to joke that Jasper’s reindeers only looked like reindeers if they swallowed a bumblebee. Jasper’s mother was a much better artist than she was, but Jasper still kept the tradition because goddamn were they good, especially with the Hawaiian haupia syrup Jasper’s dad had introduced it to.

Jasper kept herself from drooling by the time she finished. She carried Lapis’s plate to the room and set it on her nightstand.

“Merry Christmas,” Jasper said, hoping the food’s delicious smell would make Lapis consider eating.

“Mmmf…thanks…” Lapis mumbled weakly.

“Eat it while it’s hot, okay?”

“’Kay…”

The lump formed in Jasper’s throat again. Jasper sat at Lapis’s side for the second time this morning and placed a hand on her.

“You promise you’ll eat?”

“I’ll try…”

“Please do. I don’t want to worry today.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. But are you?”

“Of course I am.”

“Really?”

Jasper looked away. She stood up.

“Jasper…”

She turned around. “Yeah?”

“Can I have a glass of wine too?”

Jasper rose an eyebrow. “In the morning? I’m about to make the peppermint mochas.”

“I don’t want a mocha. I want wine.”

Jasper huffed again. “Fine. But after I finish my breakfast and coffee and open all these fucking presents without you. Unless you wanna pour it yourself.”

“Jasper, don’t start this!”

“What? Not wanting to be your slav-?” Jasper closed her mouth when Lapis looked up with a spark of absolute, unadulterated rage flickering in her eyes. Jasper took a step back. “Okay, okay, I’ll pour you a glass, okay?”

“Thanks, honey.” Lapis rested her head back on the pillow.

Jasper stalled on the wine. She made the peppermint mocha for herself, and savored her breakfast. Finally, when the time came, she poured the wine and grabbed Lapis’s gift in the process, and carried them both upstairs. If Lapis wasn’t going to open presents at the tree, then Jasper may as well make her open one in their room.

“Here you go, mistress,” Jasper said, handing Lapis the wine.

“That took some time,” Lapis said. “And mistress? We’re not having sex.”

“It’s a joke.”

“I know.” Lapis took a sip and set it down next to her plate of uneaten food.

“I really hope you eat that,” Jasper said.

“I will.” Lapis changed the subject. “What’s that?” she added, eyeing the present in Jasper’s hand.

“It’s for you, my dear,” Jasper purred, handing it over to her. “You know how I wanted you to come downstairs and open presents? Well, this is the reason why.”

“You didn’t need to get me anything…” Lapis said.

Jasper barked a laugh. “But you’re my wife!”

“Still.” She took the present anyway. Jasper practically bounced with joy, and joined Lapis on the bed.

“What are you waiting for?” Jasper said. “Open it.”

Lapis laughed. “You’re acting like it’s going to be the best thing in the world. Don’t excite me like this.”

“You saying I can’t give good presents?”

“You do; I just don’t know what it is.”

“What do you think the point of opening it is?”

“Okay. Chill.”

Jasper’s eyes glimmered in excitement as Lapis tore apart the holly-themed wrapping paper. She revealed a slip of printer paper. Lapis unfolded it.

“What is…? Huh?” She read over it.

“It’s a receipt,” Jasper said. “What does it say?”

“Jasper, I’m not a child on video.”

“C’mon, Lapis, just say what it says.”

“Okay fine.” She read over the paper. “Itinerary for Jasper Lazuli…flight number…confirmation number…” She read over all the flight stops, and then finally read. “…Hawaii.”

Jasper grinned from ear to ear. “We’re going to Hawaii.”

“Oh, Jasper… You want to visit your dad again? We just saw him at the funeral.”

“Nope. Completely different island. Just you and me.”

Lapis said nothing for a while. But then, her tired eyes widened and brightened. She gave Jasper a look of disbelief. “You’re kidding!”

“It’s what I fuckin’ said. It’s everything you wanted. All the things you want about Hawaii- beach resort, peace and quiet, but this time, my dad won’t bother the shit out of us. Just you and me. He won’t even know we’re in the state.”

“Oh, Jasper…you didn’t have to do this.”

“Is it too much?”

“No…it’s wonderful. Oh, Jasper, thank you!” Lapis threw her arms around her wife. Jasper laughed.

“I knew you’d appreciate it,” Jasper said, hugging Lapis back. She was about to say more, until Lapis pressed her lips onto Jasper’s.

“Mmm…” They kissed, slow and deep and gentle. They lingered on one another’s mouths and cherished each other’s existence, taking everything in as it went on. The wetness of their lips, the length of their eyelashes, the warmth of their cheeks; the softness of their hair.

“I love you, Jasper,” Lapis said.

“I love you too,” Jasper repeated. They kissed more.

As they continued kissing and feeling each other, their speed gradually quickened, and before they even could realize it, they gave each other hard, rapid, famished, and heated movements on one another’s lips.

“Jasper,” Lapis gasped through a kiss. Her fingers dug into Jasper’s hair and traced down Jasper’s shoulders. She shoved Jasper onto her back and crawled on top of her, and although it didn’t seem possible, she kissed Jasper even harder. Jasper started huffing and moaning as Lapis delivered kisses in other places. Lapis’s hands ran down Jasper’s torso until they reached the end of Jasper’s shirt, and Lapis pulled it up to Jasper’s neck. Her hand slid to Jasper’s bra and removed one of her breasts free from the cup, and she kneaded at it and thumbed Jasper’s nipple.

Jasper made an embarrassingly high-pitched sound and she threw her head back in response. “Lapis!” she cried. Her cry got cut out as Lapis started kissing her again.

Time passed. They tasted, touched, and felt one another’s bodies. She didn’t know how long it took, but a huge portion of it was put into pleasing Lapis, all by Lapis’s commands- a kink that escalated fairly quickly. After long last, Lapis finally gave Jasper her reward, causing Jasper to bark out her love-filled cries as she spilled out in a sweet, long-yearned release. Oh, how long it’s been since having a release…not only during the heat of this moment, but also for her sex life in general. Everything felt as if the two had just met and were passionate all over again, and Jasper didn’t realize how much she needed that until now.

Jasper oozed back into the bed, basking in the afterglow of her orgasm. Her chest rose up and down as she still panted slightly. Lapis didn’t say a word as she joined Jasper at her side. She snuggled between Jasper’s breasts and her arm, and they both fell asleep.

At last, everything felt like it would all be okay. Life was finally good. All their problems had seemingly washed away in this wonderful moment. Jasper wished…she hoped…that they could both remain like this forever. She knew it likely wouldn’t happen, but by God, did she hope.

At the very least, Lapis was finally happy.

What could possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> due to unexpected chapter length, this fic is going to become 6 chapters instead of 5 (unless another unexpected chapter length happens and i need to make it longer). this chapter only covers half of what the chapter was supposed to be in the outline, and it's still a good 9k words soooo....yea.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: sexual content in this chapter

Usually Jasper came to work after a holiday feeling like shit. It was an unholy combination of eating too much junk food, drinking too much alcohol, and staying up too late.

This year was different. Jasper came walking in feeling as if all her pores were cleared and the permanent bags under her eyes were gone for good. Sure she ate some bad shit yesterday, but that didn’t matter from how everything else cancelled out.

Greg, once again, waited on the unused bench set. Jasper walked in and shook his hand.

“Morning, Greg,” Jasper said.

Greg stood up. “Hey, Jasper,” Greg said. “You look happy this morning.”

“Sure am,” Jasper beamed. “How was your holiday?”

“It was fun. Stuball got everything he wanted for Christmas…except for another cat,” he added with laugh. “He thinks Lion is lonely and needs a girlfriend. Pearl would lose it if another cat lived at the beach house, let alone a female one that could make kittens.”

Jasper laughed. “I feel ya. I don’t have a single pet. My wife is anal about animals in the house, and the yard is way too small. You know, if she wasn’t, I’d love to have two beefy dogs. A Pitbull and a Mastiff-Rottweiler mix.”

“You should tell Steven that,” Greg said. “Steven loves all animals and gets sad at how misunderstood Pitbulls are.”

“I used to grow up with them,” Jasper said. “My dad had these white and tan Pitbulls. They just barked at strangers but they were sweethearts once you got to know them. Now the Chihuahua…that one was an asshole. I still have scars on my ankles from that little shit.”

“That’s too bad.”

“Meh, it’s fine.” She stretched and looked at the clock. They had five minutes till their session started.

“That’s a nice turtleneck you have on, Jasper. Normally you just wear your workout clothes here.”

Jasper’s face flushed. “Still in my holiday mood, I guess,” she said. If it was someone else that Jasper knew well, Jasper would wholeheartedly admit why the hell she’d wear a turtleneck to work, but Greg didn’t seem like the sort of person who’d want to know such personal information. Regardless, Jasper bit the inside of her cheek to fight back the mischievous smile creeping on her lips.

“How was your holiday?” Greg asked.

“It was good,” Jasper said. She grinned. “We’re going to Hawaii in a week. That was my gift to Lapis.”

“Your wife must have appreciated that,” Greg said with a smile.

“She sure did.”

“Didn’t you mention you’re Hawaiian?”

“From my dad’s side, yeah. Born in Arizona but raised over there.”

“You must know the place like the back of your hand.”

“Meh, only one of the islands, unfortunately,” Jasper said. “Travelling all the islands is expensive as hell. I wish there was a ferry, but people say it would damage the ecosystem, so we gotta rely on airplanes.”

Their session started, and they continued to talk until it was time for Greg to do his cardio. Eventually the session ended. Jasper’s day continued with her other clients. Starting out the day with a great client always left Jasper in better spirits as she met with others.

\--

“We should make a snowman family,” Steven said after looking their creation. He and Connie both took a step back to admire the snowman they just made. It had rocks for buttons and eyes, and an orange for a nose since Amethyst ate all the carrots from the vegetable platter yesterday (much to Pearl’s mixture of an impressed and irritated reaction).

“Good idea,” Connie said.

“Do you want to make the mom or the baby?”

“I can make the mom. You make cuter stuff than I do,” Connie said.

“Okay!” They started rolling their new snowballs. “What did you get for Christmas?” he asked as they worked.

“I got a chemistry set,” Connie said. “And a book in my stocking about how to talk to and influence people. I guess ‘Santa’ thinks I’m socially awkward.” She laughed. “That or he knows I want to be President one day.”

“I think you’re good at talking to people,” Steven said. “And I will definitely vote for you in the election once you’re old enough.”

“Thanks, Steven. What did you get?”

“A Sailor Moon DVD set,” Steven said. “I also got a Cookie Cat clock and a Cookie Cat figurine. It’s weird the ice creams are not sold anymore but there’s still merchandise. Amethyst probably got them from eBay.”

“Those sound nice,” Connie said.

“Yup! I hope Mala had a good Christmas too,” Steven suddenly said.

Connie bit the inside of her cheek.

“It must be lonely not being with her family. Maybe she made lots of friends to make up for it,” he continued.

“I’m sure she did,” Connie said.

Steven sighed. “I wish she was allowed to use her phone so we could text. I’d give her lots of emojis and send her pictures of the parade.”

“Me too.”

“I still feel bad…”

“About what?” Connie asked.

“About the Mrs. Lazulis. They looked really upset when I talked about Mala. I texted lifeguard Lazuli and she said she was fine and got busy but still…what if it was my fault?”

“It wasn’t your fault, Steven,” Connie told him. “I’m sure they really did get busy. It happens.”

“I guess,” Steven sighed. “Thanks, Connie.”

“No problem,” Connie said with a tight smile.

By the time they finished their snowmen, a car drove in. Pearl came walking out carrying two Styrofoam coffee cups in a cardboard drink holder. “Alright, kids, your hot chocolate is here.” Connie and Steven came rushing over.

“Thank you so much, ma’am!” Connie said, grabbing the hot chocolate.

“Yeah, thanks, Pearl!” Steven said.

“You’re very welcome. Those are some lovely snowmen,” Pearl added, glancing over the two kids at their creations. “You made all of that on my trip to the lodge?”

“Connie and me both made the snowman, and Connie made the mom and I made the baby,” Steven said.

“Well they all look so wonderful,” Pearl said. “Unfortunately, it is almost time to take you two back home. Finish your cocoa and I’ll expect you back in the car.”

“Okay,” Steven said. “It was fun to go to the mountains though, right, Connie?”

Connie nodded. “I loved playing in the snow,” she said.

“I’m glad you two had fun,” Pearl said with a smile.

“I wish we could have fun like this every day.”

“Not without a good education being put first,” Pearl lectured. “Starting tomorrow, you will be starting your new chapter in the curriculum.”

“Awwww what? Can’t we wait till next year?”

“Next year?!” Pearl cried.

Steven laughed. “I mean in January!”

“I am already going easy on you for December, Steven. Unless you wish to be overworked in your studies by the time January arrives.”

“…Nevermind.”

Pearl patted his head much to Steven’s dismay. “I knew you’d say that.” She ambled back to the car.

Steven waited for Pearl to get in the car. “Sometimes I wish I could go to regular school so I could have long breaks like you guys,” Steven admitted once Pearl was out of earshot. “I do love being homeschooled though.”

“I wish I was homeschooled sometimes,” Connie said.

“I thought you were happier,” Steven said.

“I am. I’m making friends now. But still, I get bullied…”

“By that Alex girl?”

“That’s exactly who. She’s so…terrible! She even…” Her words drained out.

Steven’s brows furrowed. “She did what?” he asked. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”

“It’s nothing,” Connie said.

“Are you sure? You know, she bullied Mala a lot too,” Steven commented.

 _She still does,_ Connie thought bitterly.

“If she’s bullying you still, you need to tell someone.”

“I can handle it,” Connie said. “Besides, I know martial arts. If I want to beat her up, I will.”

“Mala said the same thing and she’s big and tough but she still got a lot of black eyes and stuff from her,” Steven said. “She could barely put up a fight. What if…what if Alex hurts you too?”

“She won’t, Steven…”

“You should still tell a teacher before it gets bad.”

“Thanks, Steven. I’ll think about it.”

\--

“What should I take to Hawaii?” Lapis asked as soon as Jasper returned home from work.

Jasper laughed at the opened suitcase sitting on the floor. “You’re packing already?”

“I want to wear the best swimsuits.”

“You look great in anything, honey.”

“Don’t make me blush.”

“How about if you don’t take anything and just skinny dip?”

“…Ha ha…” she droned, rolling her eyes. She stood up and started digging through the closet, through the array of swimwear she had. She pulled out two bikinis. “I look good in navy, but I also like the color gold.”

“Definitely navy.”

“Yeah.” She hung the gold one back up and carried the navy bikini to her suitcase. “I’ll save the gold one for when I get my tan before we go. I’m getting a real one. Those spray ones are ridiculous- Why are you smiling?”

Jasper bit back her smile and look away. “I’m not,” she said. Lapis looked away.

“Anyway, I’m going to get a tan before our flight. I don’t want my tan to fade away…”

“A spa date sounds great,” Jasper said.

“Only me,” Lapis corrected. “You spent money on this trip. I don’t want you spending more.”

Jasper huffed. “Fine then.”

“We’ll have lots of time to relax together in Hawaii.” Lapis pressed against her wife and stood on her toes to peck her on the cheek. Jasper motioned to return the kiss, but Lapis pulled away.

“No. We’re not kissing each other again. We both know where that will lead.”

“Oh, c’mon, Lapis, do you remember how fun that was yesterday?”

“We should wait till we’re in Hawaii.”

Jasper rose her eyebrows. “Wait, huh?”

“Yeah. You know…the best orgasms happen after not having one for a while.”

“You sure proved that yesterday,” Jasper purred.

“Shut up.” She returned to the closet and started digging out more summertime clothing. When her back was turned, Jasper couldn’t help but smile again.

 _She’s finally back,_ Jasper thought. The wife she missed and thought she lost…she was finally back.

Even though Lapis didn’t crack a smile and still had a bored look on her face, Jasper could see the faintest light behind Lapis’s eyes now. Ever since that light flickered away a month ago, Jasper wished with all her heart it would come back, and now, the tiniest spark was making its return. It glimmered as she droned about Hawaii and their plans.

Nothing could be more perfect than this.

\--

A week later, Lapis and Jasper stepped through the boarding tunnel, their luggage rolling and clunking behind them. They stopped behind the line of people who were also boarding, and gradually made their way to their seats. Jasper hoisted the luggage into the luggage holder on top, and then joined Lapis.

“Are you excited?” Jasper couldn’t help but ask after sitting down.

Lapis had the back of her head turned to Jasper. She looked out the window, staring out at the building lights ahead of them. “I guess,” she said.

 _Of course you are._ Jasper couldn’t help but grin. “You’re going to love the resort we’re going to.”

“Why?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Don’t get me excited. You’ll make this flight even longer.”

Jasper chuckled. “More reason to sleep through it.”

“Fine. After the airplane takes off.” Lapis reached into the seat pocket and threw the blanket over herself. She leaned against Jasper. “Jasper…”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Jasper smiled. “No problem.” She kissed Lapis’s head.

“I thought I had no reason to live, but…maybe I do. This will…be fun.”

Jasper said nothing for a minute, and then put her arm around her. “Of course it will. We’ll surf and snorkel and all that good shit. Bask in the sun….”

“Yeah…it will…be fun…” She glanced away with that familiar sadness swimming in her eyes.

Blood drained from Jasper’s face. “Lapis?”

Lapis shook her head and turned away. “I don’t want to cry in public…fuck. Don’t talk to me.” She pulled away from Jasper and leaned against the window.

Jasper frowned but did as she was told.

The pilot announced takeoff, and the airplane moved down the runway. Jasper mentally kicked herself for thinking (or more like pathetically hoping) this entire trip could cure Lapis.

Of course it wouldn’t cure her! How stupid even are you?! Jasper rebuked herself. There Jasper was again, trying so hard and being stupidly hopeful.

She glanced at Lapis and regretted it instantly. Lapis quaked slightly. Her face was buried in the pillow against the window, and when Jasper strained her ears, she could hear the softest of gasps leave Lapis’s mouth. Jasper bit her lip and pretended it wasn’t happening.

After a few more minutes, the airplane took flight. Lapis finally quieted and shifted, her eyes red and wet marks on her pillow, and she straightened up. She looked out the window, watching the city lights shrink away. Lapis kept watching until they were officially gone, and pulled the cover down over the window. She leaned back onto it and closed her eyes.

“Goodnight, Lapis,” Jasper whispered. Lapis said nothing. Eventually the aisle lights in the plane dimmed, and Jasper fell asleep too.

\--

_Twelve years ago…_

“Mala, can you look at the camera?”

Jasper held her waterproof digital camera as Mala padded around on the beach. Gentle waves lapped around Mala’s ankles as she jumped around, creating little splashes in the ocean.

Jasper sat on her knees so she could capture Mala at eye level. “Mala!” she called again.

Mala turned around, looking at the camera for a second, and scrunched and reopened her hand in a “wave”. She returned to what she was doing and waded in the water. The wave drew backwards and renewed, delicately splashing Mala again. Mala giggled. A small, dark object rolled up at her. Mala bent over and picked it up.

“What did you find?” Jasper asked. Mala turned around in response and looked at Jasper. “Show Momma what you found,” she repeated.

Mala scampered up to Jasper and held her arm out to show her discovery.

“That’s a rock,” Jasper said. “A lava rock. It used to be lava once from a volcano.”

“Lav…a.” Mala smiled and handed Jasper the rock, and then waddled back to the water. Jasper laughed and, while keeping half an eye on her, turned the camera in Lapis’s direction. Lapis laid on a chaise lounge, blank look on her face, wearing sunglasses, and reading some novel about a hairstylist.

“Lapis!” Jasper called. “Wanna say ‘hi’ to the camera?”

“No,” Lapis said simply, not budging in the slightest. Her face remained buried in the book. “I’m reading. Watch the kid.”

Behind the camera, Jasper rolled her eyes. _You got to be fucking kidding me._ Shaking the frustration away, she reverted her camera back to Mala. Her daughter was sitting in the sand now, patting a pile of it that she made. Jasper stood up and joined Mala’s side.

“What are you making? Is that a sandcastle?” Mala nodded.

Jasper told Mala to say bye to the camera, and then she turned it off and set it down. She helped Mala make the sandcastle. They added little shells and coral pieces and leaves to the pile.

“Pretty,” Mala said.

“It is, huh?” Jasper said with a grin. She glanced back at Lapis, who was still reading. “Hey, Lapis!”

“Yeah?”

“Make this sandcastle pretty with us!”

Across the beach, Lapis breathed out a long sigh. She shut her book and dragged herself to the shore.

“That’s the spirit,” Jasper said, biting back an irritated smile at Lapis’s “enthusiasm”. Lapis sank down beside the two. Behind her glasses, her eyes were droopy and absolutely jaded. _Do you have to fucking be like this right now?!_ Jasper wanted to complain to her. _If you’re tired, at least fucking act like you’re not._ But Mala was here, and this was supposed to be a happy moment, so Jasper kept her mouth shut.

“More shell?” Mala asked.

“That would be awesome,” Jasper said. “Lapis, do you wanna take Mala to find more shells?”

“Shells!” Mala chirped, wiggling and reaching at Lapis.

Without saying a word, Lapis stood up. She reached for Mala’s tiny hand and Mala clutched onto Lapis’s fingers. Lapis guided Mala down the beach, and Jasper decided to take her camera out again and snapped a picture of the two. The picture looked good…it would definitely go in their album…but Jasper couldn’t help but wonder…

_Does she even want to be Mala’s mom?_

In the beginning, it felt like it. Lapis had practically “adopted” Mala before she was even born. After Lapis got kicked out the moment she turned eighteen, Jasper was generous enough to take Lapis in and give her a place to stay, much to Jasper’s ex-boyfriend’s shock. They did have a slight, ignored sexual tension going on, but otherwise, Jasper and her boyfriend were happily expecting a baby girl…until that boyfriend dumped Jasper cold, right out of the blue, packing his things overnight and all. He claimed he wanted nothing to do with the baby that Jasper was so close to due with, and Lapis had rushed forth, promising she would help Jasper raise the child.

They fell in love slowly after that, growing closer as the several years went by raising the child together. Mala had even started calling Lapis “Mommy” to the point that Lapis decided to keep the title. A mother…it seemed so wonderful.

But God…on days like this…Jasper even wondered if Lapis fucking wanted it…about raising this child with her. Jasper sighed as she stared at the photo.

“Wow, Mala!” Lapis’s voice said from the distance. That was odd…that voice actually sounded enthusiastic, and surprised too. Jasper stood up and joined them to see what was going on.

“Honey, look what Mala found!” Lapis said. “Mala, show Momma what you found!”

Mala reached up to show Jasper her find. It was an ovular shell, vibrant and glossy, and was dark brown with light brown spots in the center. A darker brown band traced around the base of the shell.

“It’s a cowrie shell!” Lapis said. “And it’s in perfect condition too!”

“Shell?” Mala asked.

“Yes, a shell. This type is called a cowrie shell. This one is a Cypraea mauritiana, also known as a humpback cowrie.”

Mala said nothing. She just blinked.

“…Cowrie shell. It’s a cowrie shell.”

Mala smiled. “Cowrie,” she repeated. Lapis smile back.

“I can’t believe she found that,” Lapis said to Jasper. “She’s good at this.”

“She sure is,” Jasper said proudly. “Do you want to add it to your pretty sandcastle?” she added to Mala.

Mala shook her head. She whipped to Lapis and held the shell up at her. “For Mommy.”

Lapis held her hands to her chest. “For me?” she gasped. “Oh, Mala, thank you!” She held the shell close to herself. “I’m going to keep this shell forever!”

Jasper’s phone buzzed. She un-flipped it to see that it was her dad.

**Dinners ready for when your ready to come back**

“My dad texted and said dinner’s ready,” Jasper told Lapis. “Mala, do you wanna see Grandpa again?”

Mala nodded excitedly.

“Let’s go and have some ahi tacos. You must be hungry too, Mala.”

“Yeah!” Mala said.

Jasper drove back to town, while Lapis stayed with Mala in the backseat. Mala held onto her favorite shark plush, even after Lapis insisted that she’d get it all wet and sandy. But as usual, Mala didn’t listen and clung protectively onto it.

When Jasper glanced through the mirror at them, she caught a small smile lingering on Lapis’s lips. She held onto the shell, and Lapis kept looking at it when not entertaining Mala. Jasper couldn’t help but wonder what was on Lapis’s mind. Lapis would never admit it if Jasper told her her assumption, but Jasper had a feeling what Lapis was thinking about:

That Lapis was happy to finally belong somewhere. She was happy to have a family.

\--

“Momma,” Mala whimpered through tears. Her shark dragged behind her as she cried in the doorway.

Jasper sat up, covers sliding off her. “Mala? What are you doing up?” she asked. She quietly left the bed and crept to Mala and sank to her knees. “What’s wrong?”

Mala sniffled. “Feel yucky.”

Jasper tried to think back on what would make Mala feel that way.

“Lapis!” Jasper called. Lapis stirred and got up. “Did you make Mala wash her hands before eating?”

Lapis yawned. “Yeah.”

“She touched a lot of sea shells. Did you make her wash her hands good?”

“Yeah,” Lapis repeated, more irritated.

Mala kept crying. Jasper tried to shush her, and when she rested her hands on her, Jasper’s eyes widened. Mala was warmer than usual. Her hand glided up to Mala’s forehead only to realize she was burning up.

“She probably ate something that didn’t agree with her,” Lapis said.

“Lapis, she has a fever!”

“Don’t blame me!” Lapis said. “I tried my best. You know how Mala is. Sometimes she’ll do things I’ll tell her not to do, like putting her hands in her mouth. I don’t know what you want. We can’t just call a doctor at this hour.” She laid back in bed. “Sorry, but we have to wait it out. If it’s bad in the morning, then we’ll get concerned.”

“You’re unbelievable!” Jasper spat. She scooped her daughter up and stomped her back to her own room. She set Mala back in the bed and tucked her in. Mala shivered and started crying again.

“Momma,” she whimpered.

“Shh, I know,” Jasper murmured, smoothing the hair on her hot head. When Mala would still not stop crying, Jasper picked her up and held her. “It’s okay.”

Mala bawled into Jasper’s chest. Jasper didn’t know when it would end, but she held onto her, rubbing her back and shushing her. “It’s going to be okay.”

We need to take her to a doctor, Jasper thought. Still holding onto her, Jasper carried her to the kitchen and dialed into the phone.

_Ding!_

Jasper better hope they pick up right now.

_Ding!_

Mala continued to sob.

“I know,” Jasper whispered. “It’s okay. We’re going to get it fixed right n-”

_Ding!_

“Don’t worry. I’m here. You’re not gonna lose m-”

\--

_Present day…_

The world lurched. Jasper’s eyes snapped open. The seatbelt lights dinged yet again as another heave in the airplane motioned them around.

 _“We are experiencing some heavy turbulence,”_ a voice from the speakerphone said. _“Please remember to keep your seatbelts on. We are also less than an hour to our destination and will give you further notice in preparation for landing. Please enjoy some complimentary drinks once the turbulence is over. Thank you.”_

“Morning,” Lapis said from Jasper’s side. Jasper glimpsed to see Lapis wide awake, playing some puzzle game on her phone.

“Morning,” Jasper rasped.

“Are you okay?”

Jasper stretched. “What do you mean?”

“You seemed distressed in your sleep. I almost thought about waking you until the turbulence woke you up.”

Jasper laughed nervously. “I wasn’t thrashing or screaming, right?”

“No. Just mumbling in your sleep.”

“What did I say?”

“I couldn’t understand it.”

Around ten minutes passed after the turbulence quieted down, and flight attendants started filtering out with their carts. Jasper put her tray table down and absentmindedly checked her phone. According to Hawaii Time, it was morning, but would be noon back in Beach City.

“Did you sleep well?” Jasper asked.

Lapis yawned. “I tried. But I couldn’t.”

“I didn’t hear any snoring so I can imagine.”

Lapis blushed. “I don’t snore every time I sleep.”

“Do you think you can lie to me? You snore all the fucking time,” Jasper chuckled. Lapis lightly punched Jasper’s arm.

“Good morning,” a saccharine voice interrupted the two. A flight attendant stood above them in the aisle. “Any drinks for today?”

“Just water,” Lapis said.

“Guava juice,” Jasper said.

The flight attendant gave them their drinks and continued on.

Jasper sipped her guava juice. “As soon as we get out of this fucking airport, we’re getting ourselves coffee,” Jasper told Lapis.

Lapis yawned. “I second.”

“Then we can check into our room and relax from our jetlag.”

Lapis nodded and sipped her water. “Ugh. I need some light.” She opened the flap to her window, revealing clouds and a snow-capped mountain peeking out.

“I didn’t know it snows here,” Lapis said.

“Only on the mountain. It will be warm as fuck where we’re going. Maybe rainy though, but we’ll be on the leeward side so hopefully not.”

Lapis stretched. “I wouldn’t mind rain.”

Jasper laughed. “I know you wouldn’t.”

Lapis watched out the window as the airplane landed. It burst and shuddered through the clouds, and finally the rest of the island was visible. Ocean stretched around the mostly dry landscape, with lush green sceneries peppering the shore in what could only be luxurious beaches. Even the reefs were visible from this high.

The airplane landed. After a long wait of people filtering out, Jasper and Lapis finally boarded off the airplane. The airport was an old fashioned one, where they had to step off a ramp and walk outside. Wind blew through Jasper’s hair and the sky was gray.

“I hope it rains,” Lapis commented.

They remained mostly quiet throughout the rest of their journey, picking up the rest of their bags and getting their rental car. At last they drove off. They stopped at a coffee shop, then drove out of the outskirts of the town, through a sea of lava rocks and palm trees.

After about twenty minutes of driving, they finally made it to the resort. The desert disappeared and was replaced by lush trees and green fields. They found their parking spot, checked into their room, and started walking their way to the elevators.

“Well? What do ya think?” Jasper beamed to Lapis.

Lapis simply looked around, her eyes starry from behind the bored façade she wore. “It’s wonderful,” she said. The lobby was large, white, and glossy, every corner adorned with tropical plants, and Hawaiian music played everywhere they went. Her eyes caught something and she left Jasper’s side. She rushed to the lobby balcony like an excited child and stared down at the last floor. A large pool of water was below them. Fish of many colors swam around in the pond, with bridges arching above the water.

“Wow,” she breathed.

Jasper barked a laugh and slapped an arm around Lapis. “Told you.”

“This resort is amazing. There’s even a false rainforest in here. How much did this even cost?”

“Little under five-hundred dollars a night. But no worries, it’s my treat.”

Lapis’s brow furrowed but she threw her arms around Jasper. “We’re not going to have another vacation in a while because of this.”

“But it will all be worth it,” Jasper said with a smile. “If we have to live frugally for a while, then so be it. You deserve this.”

“You’re so sweet,” Lapis said. “Idiotic, but sweet.” She pulled away. Tears pricked her eyes. “Mala would love this too.”

“I know,” Jasper whispered.

“I hope she’s here to see this.” She started to sob quietly. She covered her face and Jasper could tell she was trying hard to restrain herself, but sobs still escaped her lips. Jasper held her closer.

“I’m sure she is and I’m sure she loves it,” Jasper said.

“Yeah…okay…” She pulled away and wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry. I need to go to our room.”

They went up the elevator and made it to their room. Lapis walked in and collapsed on the large, plushy bed as soon as she kicked her shoes off.

“I’m so tired,” she said.

“Rest up,” Jasper said. “We got five days ahead of us, so there’s plenty of time to rest today.”

All of a sudden, Lapis started to cry again, harder this time without the pressure of being in public. It was an unexpected cry, but at the same time, Jasper wasn’t surprised at this point. Lapis had a tendency to cry randomly. It made Jasper miss the days when Lapis used to never a shed a tear except on rare occasions.

Jasper frowned. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

She sniffled. “’Kay.”

Just wanting to stop hearing Lapis’s sobs already, Jasper walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She stepped in and let the water pelt all the germs and dirt off her that she likely gained from being at the airport. She scrubbed her hair with the complimentary coconut shampoo that came with this room.

Completely out of nowhere, Jasper’s mind flashed back to Mala. Maybe it was the smell of the shampoo that triggered it. She remembered Mala, still a toddler, splashing around in a bathtub similar to this one, as Jasper scrubbed coconut-scented shampoo in her big, scruffy head of hair. Malachite took a lot from Jasper, and Jasper’s voluminous, high-maintenance hair was unfortunately one of them. Jasper snapped out of it and closed the bottle, and washed the shampoo out of her hair as fast as she could.

 _Fuck,_ Jasper thought.

Jasper finished her shower and stepped out, feeling good as new. After dressing up, she walked out. Lapis was quiet now save for the snores, her tear-streaked face finally at peace as she breathed deeply. Jasper decided to leave her alone and let her rest, and left the room.

Jasper ambled down the hallway, not yet having decided where to go. Her quiet stroll was interrupted by a growl in her stomach, reminding Jasper that she hadn’t eaten since leaving Beach City.

 _I need to go to the store…fuck it, I’ll just get something here._ From her experience, resort snack shops were ridiculously overpriced and only under Jasper’s body would she buy from those places…well, unless she was starving too. Also, Lapis would be pissed if Jasper went grocery shopping without her, so that was out of the question until Lapis woke up.

Jasper huffed and went to the first floor, where all the shops were. Fish twirled and flapped through the water below her as she walked over the bridge. She was almost at her destination, until something caught the corner of her eye. She turned around.

_This wasn’t in the pictures on the website._

Jasper approached a completely separate pond. Large reef fish, such as parrotfish and unicorn fish (names Jasper only knew because of Mala), swam around. But then…Jasper’s heart jolted.

There were also sharks.

Most of them were either of a smaller species or were babies. Hammerhead pups lurked at the bottom, along with reef sharks.

Jasper trembled, taking a step back. Unwanted memories flooded back at the sight of the sharks. Memories hit her like a tidal wave- of Mala rambling on and on about them, of her cuddling her shark plush, of the shark pictures she drew for Jasper- flooding and overriding her before Jasper snapped out of it in time.

Without thinking, Jasper turned on her heels and sped-walked back to her room. She didn’t even notice when she made it back until Lapis’s voice protested at her.

“Ugh, Jasper, don’t slam the door, you fucking woke me up- Jasper?”

Jasper opened the glass door to the balcony and collapsed in a chair. She stared out at the beach ahead of her.

Fingers started to lightly stroke Jasper’s back, making Jasper flinch for a second. She relaxed after realizing it was only Lapis. Lapis stood over her and continued tracing little circles into Jasper.

“What happened?” Lapis said, scratching Jasper’s back.

“Nothing.”

“I can’t help you if you say that.”

“Really, it’s nothing. I’m fucking fine,” Jasper muttered.

“You drive me nuts.” Jasper expected Lapis to leave after saying that, but to her surprise, Lapis knelt down and put her arm around Jasper, pressing her against Lapis’s chest. Jasper listened to the beat of Lapis’s heart and closed her eyes. Fuck, Jasper was tired too.

“Whatever it was…it’s okay,” Lapis said, brushing her fingers through her wife’s hair.

“We’re supposed to have a good time here, got it? I don’t want to feel like shit is wrong,” Jasper grumbled.

“I know. You just looked upset.”

“What’s making you think I’m not fine? I wasn’t panicking, right?” Jasper asked.

“No. Nothing was noticeable. I just know you well.”

“Fuck you, Lapis,” Jasper said weakly. Her stomach growled again.

“You’re hungry.”

“I know.”

“Let’s eat,” Lapis said. “I’m hungry too.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jasper said. Well, that was embarrassing, but…at least Jasper wouldn’t get interrogated any further. Lapis let go and stood up.

“What’s nearby?”

“All sorts of places,” Jasper said. “I’m hungry for raw fish. How about you?”

“That sounds good.”

“We should definitely go get that,” Jasper said.

\--

Lapis wanted to drive this time, and eventually she did, after a few minutes of convincing Jasper that she should (ugh, Lapis would never understand why Jasper was so obsessive about driving). Lapis drove to the village where the shops were, under guidance of the GPS on her phone.

“Eat first, groceries later,” Lapis told her.

“Definitely,” Jasper said. “Don’t want our hunger to influence what we buy,” she added with a laugh.

They both walked to a sushi shop and ordered two poke bowls. An ahi one for Jasper, and a salmon one for Lapis. They sat together on a bench in front of the sea and started to eat.

“This brings back memories,” Lapis said.

“What makes you say that?”

“We would eat lunch in front of the ocean together. Even before we started dating.”

Jasper barked a laugh. “Didn’t know you’d remember that,” she said.

“You took me out to pizza after almost running me over and calling me a cunt. Then you found out I was part of that LGBT group. That moment changed my life.”

“You wolfed that pizza down faster than any dog I knew,” Jasper said.

Lapis snorted a chuckle weakly. “Yeah…”

“I wasn’t even pregnant yet.”

“I hated your boyfriend but I still stuck with you.”

“You had common sense.” She shoved an ahi chunk in her mouth. “That boyfriend was a shit scumbag.”

Lapis chuckled again and then her face fell. She chewed absentmindedly and looked into her salmon bowl.

Jasper must have noticed because she made a small sound of annoyance. Lapis knew Jasper didn’t want to deal with this today…hell, even in Beach City, she was starting to get fed up with Lapis’s depression. Lapis looked away and stared at the ocean. Waves crashed soothingly against the lava rocks, and she could see flashes of yellow schools of fish inside the water. This was…so perfect…but even then, Lapis couldn’t bring herself to be fully happy as much as she tried.

“I love this,” Lapis forced herself to say in order to bring down Jasper’s aggravation. In a way, it was true.

…She just wished Mala was here too.

 _You would love this, Mala,_ Lapis thought. _If only you could have visited after you started becoming interested in fish._ She could already imagine it: Mala squealing with joy at the array of fish in that pond at the resort. Lapis imagined her rushing up to her parents and asking when they can snorkel; Mala asking if she thought there’d be any sharks in the reef, and Lapis being shocked that Mala would want to swim with a shark. Mala always got excited at dangerous things…if only Lapis knew that would also mean taking her own life.

_Why did you do it, Mala…? Oh, the answer was right in front of me! I’m such a bad parent!_

Lapis bit down on her lip to keep it from trembling. _No…I’m not going to cry…_ There was no way Lapis was going to break down like this in public, let alone in front of Jasper in a situation where they’re supposed to be happy. But as usual, her tears had a mind of their own and a few escaped her eyes. Lapis quickly wiped them away with her arm.

“Lapis…”

Lapis said nothing. She refused to look in Jasper’s eyes, but she could already tell what they must be saying: Why aren’t you happy? I spent so much money for you and you’re still not happy. Lapis’s guts twisted and her muscles tensed. She suddenly wasn’t interested in her food anymore.

“Lapis,” Jasper said again.

“What?” Lapis strained out.

“Are you done eating?”

Lapis nodded.

“I am too.” Jasper got up and threw her empty bowl in the trash. “You wanna save yours for later, right?”

“I guess…”

“Alright. We should get going to the store then before it spoils.”

Lapis silently agreed and stood up. Jasper drove this time.

\--

Lapis felt numb and cold the entire time she was in the store, including on the way back to their room. She carried some of the groceries while Jasper carried the most. Lapis was the one that got to open the door.

They walked in and loaded their mini fridge. Jasper joined Lapis on the bed.

“I’d love to go to the beach but man I am so tired,” Jasper said with her eyes closed.

“Get some rest,” Lapis said. “We can go tomorrow.”

“Damn right,” Jasper said. She pulled Lapis close to play the big spoon. She rested her chin on Lapis’s back. “You must be tired too.”

“I am.” _Too tired…_

“You get some rest too, okay?”

“I will,” Lapis said.

“…”

“What?”

“You look off…”

“I’m not,” Lapis said.

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

Jasper huffed. “If you say so…”

“I’m okay.” Lapis placed her hand on Jasper’s. “Just get some sleep so we can have fun later.”

“Okay.” Lapis imagined Jasper closed her eyes. A few moments passed and deep breathing indicated that Jasper had fallen asleep. Lapis laid there with her and fell asleep herself.

\--

Their vacation continued on, and to Jasper’s luck, Lapis hadn’t cried at all except for the first day they got here. She…seemed to be enjoying herself, or at the very least, was occupied. They explored the beaches together, Jasper rented a paddleboard for Lapis, they relaxed in the sun, they ate Hawaiian cuisine…everything seemed to be going nicely.

Time went by so fast, that their last night hit before Jasper could even register it. It was a cloudy night, unfortunately, so no romantic night under the stars. Sprinkles of rain showered over them as they walked together down the beach. They enjoyed the sound of the waves and the sand under their feet, relishing their last night in Hawaii.

“Isn’t this amazing?” Jasper asked. Lapis nodded.

Jasper found a chaise longue that the hotel owned and sat in it. Lapis sat in her lap.

“I’m happy it’s raining now. This side of the island is so dry…”

Jasper kissed her. “I know you’d like the rain.”

Lapis smiled. “Yeah.”

“Hey…”

“Mm?”

Jasper gave her a mischievous, determined look. “Do you remember…that there’s one thing we didn’t do yet?”

A soft gasp escaped Lapis’s lips as Jasper’s hands ran down her stomach. Her fingers dipped beneath Lapis’s sundress, and they ran along the indent of Lapis’s folds with the only barrier being her panties.

Lapis grinded against Jasper’s hand. “Of course you’d want to do it here,” she purred. Luckily, because of the rain, no one else was out on the beach, so they were safe.

Lapis leaned her back against Jasper’s abdomen and spread her legs, welcoming Jasper’s fingers to explore her further. Jasper purred back and let her fingers slip inside her panties.

Lapis whimpered as she rode Jasper’s hand. As Jasper worked on her, Jasper rested her head on Lapis’s shoulder, and delivered slow, deep, loving kisses against Lapis’s neck, which only made Lapis even hotter. At some point, Lapis’s hand ended up in Jasper’s pants as well. They came together, panting and then oozing into one another on the lounge.

Rain continued to sprinkle over them. Jasper kissed her again, leaving a lip-shaped mark on Lapis’s droplet-covered face. Water clung onto Lapis’s eyelashes and shimmered in the moonlight. Jasper couldn’t help but have her eyes sparkle at the sight. “Wanna walk on the beach?”

“If my legs don’t give way.”

Jasper helped Lapis up and they walked beside the ocean. They remained like that for a long time, just listening to the waves crashing beside them and treading far from the resort premises. Eventually they reached the end of the beach, where the sand dissipated into rocky tide pools.

“Ready to turn around?” Jasper asked.

Lapis thought for a moment. “…No.”

“No?”

Lapis left Jasper’s side and climbed on the rocks. Jasper just stood there and watched. Lapis turned around and gestured for Jasper to follow her.

Jasper laughed. “Wanna go to the tide pools, huh?”

“Let’s find hermit crabs.”

“Be careful. I can hardly see shit-” Jasper began, but Lapis was already walking along the lava rocks, as smoothly and gracefully as if she were on a flat service. Jasper tried to imitate Lapis’s ease, but much to her embarrassment, she wasn’t nearly as skilled. The walk wasn’t difficult, but she did stumble a few times. A crab even skittered over her foot which made Jasper lose her balance for a second.

Dammit. I have Hawaiian blood and you don’t, Lapis. I should be better at this than you. To be fair, it was nighttime and hard to see, but still.

Lapis kept scanning the pools of water and moved to new ones to do the same thing. Jasper barked a laugh. “Do you have night vision or something?” she said. “Are you hiding shit you’re not telling me about?”

“I ate carrots as a kid and you didn’t.”

“Hmph.”

Lapis stopped at a pool. “I found some.”

“The hermit crabs?”

“What do you think?”

Jasper headed to the pool Lapis had stooped over. She joined Lapis’s side and crouched down to get a look. The moonlight shone just enough to where Jasper could see little white flecks on the black rock, but if it weren’t for Lapis pointing them out, Jasper likely would have missed them. _I really need glasses._

“They’re living in drupe shells,” Lapis said. She dipped her hand inside the water and let one crawl on her finger. “This one’s friendly.” She held her hand just slightly under the surface and watched it scuttle around on her palm.

“What are you, the hermit crab whisperer?”

“Yes.”

“Pfft okay then,” Jasper said. She scanned the water and found a sea urchin. “Careful when you walk back. Don’t wanna step on one of those things.”

“I know,” Lapis said. She lightly pressed her finger against the echinoderm’s spines and they all clumped around the appendage. Lapis giggled at the sensation, and Jasper smiled. As childish as Lapis was, she did have an admirable side to it. It even gave Jasper memories of the cute moments with Mal…

Suddenly Jasper’s stomach felt sick.

Jasper thought quickly. “While you play with those things, I’m gonna go back to the sandy parts,” Jasper said. She looked around. “I see an unused hammock over there. That’s why I wanna go.”

“’Kay.”

Jasper stood up and tried not to visually stumble her way back to the sand. Crabs darted away from her heavy steps as she crunched through the rocks. She jumped off the rocks and headed towards the hammock she was talking about. She plopped in it and let it swing her.

Rain continued to sprinkle on her as her eyes closed. She let the gentle shower and the lapping of waves soothe her to sleep.

\--

_One year ago…_

Jasper walked along a tide pool similar to the one she was just in, but the palm trees and sandy beaches were gone. She splashed through the puddles of water until she saw who she was looking for: Mala sitting on a rock, holding her knees as she watched the waves crashing ahead of her.

Jasper joined her and sat down. “Hey. It’s dangerous going out this far.”

“I know,” Mala grumbled. “But I’m not gonna drown or nothing…”

“I know you won’t. But still…I don’t want to see my baby out this far all by herself.”

“I’m not a baby.”

 _You always will be to me,_ Jasper thought, but Mala didn’t seem like she wanted to hear that. Her thirteen-year-old daughter stared out at the sea, typical grumpy look on her face.

“How about this,” Jasper began instead. “If you tell me why you’re out here, I won’t tell your other mother why you went out this far. She would freak out, you know.”

“Mom is the problem!”

“Mommy mom or Momma mom?”

Mala rolled her eyes. “Ugh. _Mommy._ And I hate calling you guys that now; only babies call their moms Mommy and Momma.”

“I thought it was a pretty good system to distinguish us.”

“Whatever.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She hates me!” Mala snapped.

Jasper held her hands up. “Woah, slow down. Why do you think that?”

Mala huffed. “I made her a present for Mother’s Day at school. You liked your present, but when I gave her hers, she wasn’t happy or anything! She’s just like ‘thanks’ and puts it down!” She kicked a rock and it plopped into the ocean. “Why did I work so hard on that present when she doesn’t even like what I do?! And she never cheers for me at sports when all the other kids’ moms do, and just…UGH I HATE HER!!”

Jasper said nothing for a moment, and then…she started chuckling. Her chuckles escalated into guffaws, her body quaking with laughter. Mala watched in utter confusion.

“Why are you laughing? This is serious!”

Jasper calmed down. She wiped her eyes. “Mala,” she began, still chuckling slightly. “She doesn’t hate you!”

“Yes she does!”

“She just doesn’t like expressing her emotions.”

“Why?”

“That’s just how she is. She’s just not the affectionate type.”

“Why?”

“No one knows. That’s just how she is. She was like that as long as I knew her. But I can tell you this: I know her well enough to know she loves you more than she lets on. You’re her whole world.”

“Her…whole world?”

“Yep. Did you know you’re the background on her phone? And that she has shown your picture to all her coworkers just so she can talk about how great you are?”

“Ew!”

“I can bet right now that she’s looking at that present you gave her as we speak and smiling at it.”

“Okay, okay, fine, she doesn’t hate me. Now you’re grossing me out.”

Jasper laughed again and patted her back. “Don’t get hung up about her.”

“Fine…”

“Remember, Mala: she loves you in her own way.” Jasper stood up. “Now let’s get out of this place before the tide gets too high.”

“Fine…”

Mala stood up and they walked together back to the shore.

“Are you gonna eat dinner with us tonight this time?” Mala asked.

Jasper rubbed the back of her neck. “I dunno,” she said. “I have lots of files to update for my clients when I get home.”

“Fine…”

“But I’ll try,” Jasper added. They made it back to the car where Lapis was waiting for them.

“Mom!” Mala said. She ran up to Lapis and gave her a hug. “Happy Mother’s Day.”

Lapis put an arm around her. “You already told me that today, hon.”

“I know. I just wanted to say it again.”

Lapis snorted. “Okay then. Thanks.” She pulled away and looked at Jasper. “What if we take Mala for ice cream?”

“Sounds fine to me,” Jasper said.

“I want ice cream!”

“I know you do,” Jasper said with a smile. _See,_ her eyes implied when she exchanged looks with Mala.

\--

_Present day…_

Something tapped Jasper awake. She opened her eyes and Lapis was in front of her.

“I’m done.”

Jasper stretched and pushed herself up. “Ready to go back?”

“Yeah…”

Jasper got up and they began their journey back to the resort. Jasper’s brows furrowed.

Lapis walked with a droopy posture and heavy eyelids. In fact, she wasn’t walking, she was dragging herself along.

“You okay?” Jasper asked.

“Yeah…”

“You sure?”

“Just tired…” Lapis barely whispered. Jasper couldn’t blame her, but part of her knew that was a lie. Lapis likely had another memory at the tide pools. Jasper said nothing.

Lapis continued a few moments later. Her voice was dull; tired. “The tide pools…were so nice…”

“They were,” she said.

“Mala would have loved it…”

Jasper frowned.

Lapis shook her head. “Fuck…I can’t handle this.” She ripped away from Jasper and started stalking away through the sand.

“Lapis, what the hell?” Jasper said. She ran against the shore to catch up. “Lapis-”

“Stop following me.”

“How about you fucking tell me why first?”

Lapis whipped around. “You’re not going to like it!”

“Fucking try me.”

“Do you really want to know?! I’M NOT HAPPY!”

“…”

“I’m trying so hard for you but…I can’t do this! I’m not happy…I’m not happy!” she repeated. Moisture that collected in her eyes quickly overflowed. “I’m not happy. I’m so sick of pretending that I am-” Her words drowned out in her sobs.

Jasper didn’t know how to respond to Lapis’s breakdown. She inched forward slowly and carefully, just in case Lapis snapped at her again. “Lapis…hey…”

“All I can think about is…is her…even when I try not to…”

“I know…”

“Why did you take me here, Jasper?! Now I just want to die even more-!” She collapsed to her knees as she wept, burying her face in her hands.

“Lapis…” She sank to her knees at Lapis’s side.

“I’m sorry,” Lapis said through her sobs.

“Lapis…it’s okay…I’m not angry.” She placed her hands on her.

“Y-you’re not?”

“Of course not,” Jasper said. She helped brush the sand off her, then scooped her into her arms. Jasper held Lapis in her lap, arms tight and protective around her.

“B-but you did all this so I could be happy…”

“I know,” Jasper said. “I didn’t mean to pressure you. I wanted to cheer you up the best I could but I understand. And…maybe I did this for me too.”

Lapis sniffled. “So you’re not mad? But you spent so much on this trip…”

Jasper squeezed her. “I’m not mad.”

“Th…thank you.” Jasper kept holding her.

“I…” Lapis continued. “I keep thinking about Mala…about how much she’s missing out…why did she have to go?!” She wept even harder, hands clutching onto Jasper’s shirt for dear life.

“Shh…it’s okay,” Jasper whispered.

Lapis shook her head. “No…stop saying that! It’s not okay!”

“Yes it is.”

“Why did she have to go, Jasper? I…I just…oh, want my baby back!” she wailed. “I want her back! WHY CAN’T SHE COME BACK, JASPER?! Nothing matters anymore…I just want to die too!”

Jasper’s face paled. All of a sudden, she couldn’t take this anymore. She let Lapis go and shoved her out of her lap and stood up.

“Lapis. You need to cut it out.”

Lapis sniffled. “What?”

“If you pull this ‘I want to die’ shit one more time, I’m going to fucking lose it. You need to calm down about this whole situation. You need to accept shit, for God’s sake!”

Lapis glared through her tears. “It’s not like anything matters anymore,” she said darkly.

“Can’t you see I’m trying?”

“Your ‘trying’ was blowing out thousands of dollars to take me to a place that makes me feel shittier!”

“Oh c’mon, no matter where we go, you’re still going to be a depressed, negative bitch. THAT’S ALL YOU EVER ARE!!!”

“DON’T YELL AT ME!”

“I’M BENDING OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOUR SORRY ASS! I COMFORT YOU _EVERY FUCKING TIME_ YOU START CRYING AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!! HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?! DO YOU THINK I WANT TO OR HAVE THE ENERGY TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL THE TIME?! MAYBE I HAVE PROBLEMS TOO! MAYBE I HAVE WORRIES TOO! WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO?!”

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE ANYTHING! Why did you take me here?! Now I’m realizing that if I can’t be happy here, I’LL BE HAPPY NOWHERE!!!”

“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, LAPIS?!” Jasper shrieked. “ _SHE’S DEAD!!!!_ SHE’S NOT COMING BACK AND SHE NEVER FUCKING WILL!! THERE’S NOTHING, _ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING_ , WE CAN DO, SO CAN YOU STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT??!?! JESUS CHRIST!”

Lapis recoiled but said nothing.

Jasper breathed heavily. It took a moment for her to cool down, and when she did, she realized there were hot tears streaking down her cheeks. Jasper wiped them away. “Fuck, Lapis. I’m just…”

Something hard hit Jasper in the nose. Lapis was on her feet now, fists clenched, and Jasper doubled backwards in shock. Something warm and sticky pooled out her nose and down her lips.

“Why did you do that?!” Jasper spat.

Lapis scrambled backwards. “Jasper, I’m sorry-”

“Saying sorry isn’t going to fix whatever the fuck you just pulled.”

“You’re right.”

Jasper tried to wipe the blood away, but more just got renewed. This would be an embarrassing sight on her way back to her room.

“There is nothing we can do…” Lapis said.

Jasper said nothing.

“I should have known nothing mattered before going here with you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Jasper said.

Lapis just ignored her. She looked away at the ocean. “And yet…here I am…needing you…because you’re all I have left…” Tears still ran down her cheeks. She looked back at Jasper, eyes wide and stricken with a cold-hard realization. “I need you…but…do I love you…?”

Jasper remained silent. Waves crashed behind them and rain pelted the water. It took what must have been over a minute to manage to say something back. “Where…where the fuck is this coming from?”

“I…don’t love you.”

“Why? Because I yelled at you? Look, I’m sorry about that, okay? I just got fed up-”

“I only loved Mala…”

“…”

“I don’t love you. I don’t want you!” She covered her mouth and started to sob again. “I’m sorry!”

Jasper had no idea how to respond. It felt as if everything was numb…as if she lost all her senses and was floating in nothingness. The sobs reverberating in front of her were nothing but a distant echo. She stood there, frozen, unaware of the world and unsure what to do.

“I only existed for Mala…I belonged because of Mala. But now she’s gone…am…am I gone too? I need you but do I belong with you?!”

Jasper snapped out of it. No. What Lapis said couldn’t be true. There was no fucking way. “Lapis, you’re losing it right now. You need to calm down.”

“Nothing fucking matters anymore!”

“Of course things matter-”

“No. It doesn’t. I couldn’t save my daughter and now…if I can’t be happy here…then where can I be happy?! I…I don’t think I can be happy ever again!” She started hyperventilating. She took a few large steps back, quivering. Her eyes were wide with distress. “Nothing matters. I’m nothing.”

“Lapis…you need to relax…”

Lapis bolted away.

“Lapis, wait! You’re not thinking righ-!”

 _Fuck, not again!_ Jasper tried to follow her back to the resort, but she disappeared and Jasper, despite being fit, did have to stop and catch her breath. Dammit, if only Jasper wasn’t older and heavier than Lapis was. She stood in front of the resort and wiped the blood off her nose before walking in.

Jasper rode up to her floor and knocked on the door to her room. “Lapis? Are you in there?” Ugh, dammit, and Lapis had the key too! Jasper took out her phone and called Lapis, but no one picked up. _Goddammit!_

\--

_I am nothing…_

Lapis was inside their room now, sitting on the bed. Rain dripped down the glass balcony doors. She heard a knock and Jasper’s voice from outside the door, but Lapis didn’t answer. Her phone rang, but once again, Lapis didn’t answer. She stepped onto the balcony and stared out at the sea.

Lapis lost her family. Mala was her everything, who Lapis loved the most, but Lapis failed to protect her. Did Jasper even deserve someone like Lapis? Lapis didn’t even know if she loved Jasper…

_I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve love. I’m sorry, Mala. I’m so sorry I had to exist in your life. But at least you’re in a better place…right? Are you okay where you are?_

Lapis glanced down over the balcony. She was so high up, her floor being one of the highest in the building. A pavement path weaved right below her, looking like a strand of hair from how high Lapis was above it.

Wind blew through Lapis’s hair. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, and crawled over the railing, trying not to think about how far the fall would be. The edge of her feet stood on nothing; just sitting right in the air, so many feet above everything else. Her heart raced at an extraordinary speed and banged behind her chest and her body felt like jelly, but Lapis ignored it. Her instincts that made her afraid…Lapis wouldn’t let those control her.

 _Is this how you felt before dropping, Mala?_ Lapis thought. _Before you let the rope take you away…?_

_…Would you be happy to see me…? If I joined you…?_

\--

 _God fucking dammit!_ Jasper thought after the fourth time of trying and failing to call Lapis. Running out of ideas, Jasper turned around and stalked to the lobby. She found someone at the reception desk and approached them.

“Hey, I lost my key. Can I get a new one?” Jasper asked.

The woman eyed Jasper’s bloody nose but ignored it. “Last name, please?”

“Lazuli.”

“Email, phone, and room number?”

Jasper answered the question. The woman fiddled around through a drawer of keys, and pulled one out for her. “Here you go, ma’am.”

“Thanks,” Jasper said. She took it and headed back to her room.

\--

_You won’t have to be alone if I join you…I can protect you this time…wherever you are…I can keep you safe and redeem myself this time!_

Lapis took another deep breath to calm herself. Her eyes were shut tight and tears fell down her face, possibly plopping yards below her.

_I can love you this time. I just want to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to hug you again…I want…_

Without thinking, her eyes snapped open and she looked down, and fear struck and vibrated through her every atom.

_FUCK!_

Breathing fast and heavily, Lapis clutched tight onto the railing and lunged herself backwards. She jumped back up on the railing and fell in reverse, landing painfully on her back, safely upon the balcony to her room. Her chest rapidly rose up and down as she stared at the cloudy sky.

_I’m sorry, Mala…I’M SO SORRY! I can’t do it!_

She curled up and pressed against the railing. She wept into the cement.

\--

At long last, Jasper finally found her. She was in the room just like Jasper expected. Jasper stormed to the balcony where Lapis’s pathetic form laid, and pulled open the glass door.

“Lapis, why did you freak me out like-?!” Jasper closed her mouth at sight of her wife, completely broken all over again, as usual.

“Get away from me!” Lapis wept.

Jasper huffed. “Fine then.” She stomped away. “Honestly? I can’t take this shit anymore anyway.”

Jasper sat on the edge of the bed, watching and listening Lapis’s sobs, but did nothing. She buried her face in her hands, wondering if those things Lapis said on the beach were true.

Hours must have gone by. Jasper curled up under the covers but couldn’t find herself to fall asleep. Lapis sat in the chair on the balcony, blank and exhausted stare on her face as she watched nothing in particular. They remained that way, away from each other. Sure, they were bound by this room, bound by their marriage, bound by the death of their child, but by God, they stayed away from each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added another chapter because, once again, this fic is insanely long
> 
> man this one was long...10k words. oh boy.


End file.
